Lessons of your so-called Life!

No matter what you do, these will ALWAYS happen:

1. You will get up on time and still be late for work.
2. You will miss important calls, but you will never miss hearing the alarm on your phone. NEVER.
3. Your house will somehow always have a mess somewhere, and one day you will just stop caring, even if you have OCD.
   
4. Your cook will cook, but you will still eat outside.
5. On the odd day you go to work early, fate will conspire to ensure that it will be a complete waste.
6. You will end up looking like a stressed out person, no matter how much you spend at a spa.
7. That haircut will look good only on the initial 2 days, or until you decide to wash your hair.
8. Groceries will always finish at the exact time when you have no time, or no money to get a refill.
9. Electricity will be cut just when you have settled down.
10. Your dog will pee even after he has just peed.
11. You will need that glass of water just when you have turned in.
12. Or you will remember to do something, just when you have just tucked yourself in.
13. The remote will always disappear when you need it the most, even though you remember keeping it RIGHT in front of you.
14. And, you will forget where you kept that one thing when you need it the most.
15. Some people will continue to annoy you no matter what you do, and you will continue to adore them, no matter how annoying they get.
16. Your diet will always be interrupted by a generous amount of chocolate.
17. Your PC will restart itself even when it promised to do so after ‘2 hours’.
18. Every time you will need something immediately, it will be a million miles away from you.
19. You will crib about having no work-life balance, and do nothing about it, but still manage to survive.
20. And maybe, the above may never happen, but no matter what you do, there'll always be that one rickshaw guy.

Ten types of people I want to throw paper clips at. And I love paper clips.

1. Girls who hang their chaddis and round things on their windows. Lajawanti Lingerie Collection . 20% off. Kindly ignore the crow using hanging round things for ‘shady’ purposes.

2. Khatmal (bed bugs) bikers riding on the pavement. They will ghusao their vehicles ANYWHERE they can, at every chance they get.

3. Slow staff members at checkout counters EVERYWHERE. The only thing slower than these people is a snail walking on glue.

4. Vehicle Owning Mental People who will not drive in the left lane, will not drive in the right lane and will not be in the centre also. WHAT THE PHOCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

5. People who change their Facebook Profile Display Picture EVERYDAY. What no kaamdhandha you got or what?

6. Hypocrite bandariyaas. Yes, I am referring to the girl who says she hates a ‘friend’ more than she hates dandruff, then she goes and compliments hated friend on her new haircut. WHAT IS THAT? (Men are not like that. The men who are like that, are bandariyaas)

7. People who go touring and then pose in front of every landscape and monument and other awesome buildings/statues. Just. Stop. Ruining. The. Picture.

8. People who walk with their tiny children on the vehicle side of a road. And also people who sit in the front seat of a car, with a child in their lap. When you were busy in the act of reproduction, did you get brainwashed or something?

9. People who think pets are accessories – ‘something to decorate our doorstep’. Your kind disgusts me more than the sight of loose motions floating in the potty

10. People who are rude for no reason because they think it's cool. It’s not. It just means that you are constantly constipated and are venting out the frustration through your mouths.

Now give my paper clips back.

Love Letter to Bangalore Rickshaw Man

Dear Bangalore Rickshaw Man,

I will get straight into the point.

I have been living in Bangalore for barely a year and a half. Enough material to write a love letter to you.

Every time I ask you to go somewhere, you say NO to me. Every time. I wait so much for you to make my day with your beautiful appearance. Then also why do you hate me so much? I thought first that you hated me because I do not know Kannada/Malyalam/Tamil/Telugu and that my Hindi is worse than your Hindi. But even after I joined classes for ‘How to speak Hindi like a True Blooded South Indian’, you still ignore me? Why?

And when you do decide to come, after much coaxing and endless waiting in sun, rain and other kinds of unpredictable Bangalore weather, you tell me that you will not charge me as per the meter. Why? Why must you torture me like this with all your nakhras? My father did not put that meter in your rickshaw no? If he did, I would tell him to remove it and use it to scratch your back. But the Government put that meter in your rickshaw, so you must show respect and use it no? If you don’t like Indian Government, then why do you remove all your hate on me? I sit nicely and listen to your South Indian music. Then also you will not charge me with the meter. If you won’t scratch your own back with the meter you do not use, at least scratch mine. That also you won’t do. After all the love I shower on you, this is what I get.

And to top it all, why you rob your own beloved of so much money? If the fare is 17 rupees, you will not return 3 rupees if I give you 20 rupees. What is that? I own one bike, but my husband works very hard so he cannot get up in the morning to drop me to class. So in pity I come to you, you silly rickshaw man. That way morning morning, I get to see your lovely face also. But how you repay me? You charge me insane amounts of money to take me from home to my guitar class and back! And both times, you charge different. When I am going to the class you take 50 rupees. When I am coming home you take 70 rupees. What is this double timing you are doing with me? My father’s fault or what, that the roads are bad? My father doesn't own anything but one tiny house in Malad in Bombay. If he owned the road, then both of us would go cavorting in Bangalore Volvo AC bus to airport and back no? But he doesn't own the road with so many holes. Then why you take out all road anger on me and make me pay so much?

And if it rains, instead of getting all romantic and Tollywood song-singing-types, you unleash ‘Rate Card from Hell’ on me. For 1km travel, you will charge me 40 rupees. And if I am carrying one onion in my hand, you will charge me 60 rupees. Why you hate onions and rain so much? I was going to make kanda bhajiyas for you and make some tea by collecting water from the leaking roof of your rickshaw. So much I love your rickshaw and its nature-friendly ways. And yet, you want to make me poorer? And what happens to you in the night time? The bhootiya (bhoot + ch**iya) enters your body or what? Why you charge me some three times the original fare? Night time people get all romantic and all you can think of is money? Why silly man why?

Now after all this also, I still persist to show you how much love I have for you. After you have vehemently refused to acknowledge my shadow also, you rudely tell me hop in. I hop in, you go 3kms, then stop in the middle of nowhere and tell me to get down and walk the rest of the 10kms. What is this new nautanki you have started? If you want to leave me, just say so, I will go okay. But don’t tell me to leave after I am all comfortable and about to sleep to the sweet hum of the roaring South Indian music. And if you think that this is your way of telling me to exercise because I am fat, then I am seriously very hurt. After all I lost so much weight just trying to stop you. If you had so much as looked in my direction, you would have seen how much weight I had lost. And looking in rear-view mirror that shows amazing angles of my chest does not count. Thankfully, I have not lost any weight there ok. That much you know very well na, you silly rickshaw man.

But you won’t leave me, you will roam around me and ignore me like I am a dirty big fart from an elephant. And you bring your friends also to join you in this ignoring parade. Why you make fun of me, I do not get. And yet, I do not disown you, even though I know that any ride in the lap of luxury that is your rickshaw could be the last day of my life. I risk life, limb and guitar every time I hitch a ride with you. The loving curves that your vehicle take has drastically changed the positioning of my internal organs. My childhood dream of reaching out to moving buses from a moving rickshaw is realised every single time, sometimes so closely that someone from the window of the bus can reach out and spit some conditioner onto my head if they are inclined to.

So much I suffer for your love. One ride is too much to ask perhaps, so one look also will do.

But at least, oh silly rickshaw man, show me some lovin’.

Yours truly,

Disgruntled Loveless Passenger

Dear People Who Hate Cities and Communities and Countries

This 'open letter' is a response to all those who hate people because they belong to a certain city or community or whatever.

You are not being cool when you start writing hate write-ups and posts about North Indians or South Indians or East Indians or West Indians or whoever. Whoever you hate, keep the hate to yourself. We do not want another Raj Thackeray in the making.

And if you cannot keep the hate to yourself, kindly leave this planet , and get the phock out of our businesses and Twitters and Facebooks, and reside on some other universe. You can go there and start hating Indians for all I care but at least you are not doing it here, on Indian soil, spreading hate around by being such a dork at generalising, thus starting fights among communities.

And understand this: You do bad things because you are a bad human being. That’s about it.

If you cannot comprehend this simple logic, then please do not marry and procreate because we do not need more of your kind on this planet.

Good luck to you. Not.

Sincerely,

Fellow Human Being

Six reasons why Ajmal Kasab is still alive.

So much has happened in our country since November 26, 2008. Some good things, like India winning the World Cup and the Lokpal Bill getting a go-ahead.

And some bad things, like Ajmal Kasab being all alive and kicking, enjoying regular bouts of chicken biryani in jail.

Biryani that we paid for. Eaten by a terrorist who attacked us.

Now I feel truly sorry for all the media-persons who risked life and limb to get a good video or photograph of the criminals who went on an unleash-maximum-terror rampage in the city of Bombay. The police officials and army personnel did a commendable job of killing the terrorists and also managed to capture one alive, some of them having died in the process. One would have thought that these photos/videos would serve as incriminating evidence against that gun yielding coward.

Alas, it was not meant to be so.

Three years later, he is still alive.

It took our Government roughly two years to sort out the court cases, to ‘prove beyond any reasonable doubt’ that yes indeed, Ajmal Kasab is nothing but a cold-blooded murderer and should be punished for his crimes. Now even after the Supreme Court has ‘okayed’ the execution of Ajmal Kasab, pray, why is he still alive?

This is not a lovelorn man, pelting stones at the window of a now-married-to-another-man-girlfriend. This is a vicious and twisted murderer, who came in like the breeze, went berserk with his rifle, and shot anyone who came in the line of fire. He and his troop arrived with a pure intent to kill and destroy. Meticulous effort has been invested in him and his team to churn out the results that they did. Their bosses had been planning this for months, and may have also hosted ‘triumphant parties’ when they saw the aftermath of their doings.

So am wondering, what possible logic could explain why Ajmal Kasab is still thriving, and thriving well at that?

Here’s what I think could be some of the reasons:

• If Ajmal’s security bills cost the nation 10 crore rupees (yes, go ahead and pick your jaw from the floor), imagine the gargantuan amount of monies the Government has to shell out to hang him (shudder). So the Government has decided to leave him be.
  
  
• If we keep him alive, his terrorist brethren may attempt to rescue him, and maybe (just may...be) we can nab the other terrorists and lock them up as well
  
  
• We want to send out a direct message to terrorists that if you turn yourselves in, you will get better food (“The chicken biryani is awesome guys, trust me”, Kasab was quoted as saying), triple the security and possibly get an Internet connection too, so that you can update your Facebook regularly. Show your bosses how we do it here baybee!
  
  
• Maybe the parliament is planning to rope in Kasab as its brand ambassador. He has one of the most recognised names in our country; hence it is obvious that wherever he goes, the media will follow. And publicity will filter in rapidly. After all, any publicity is good publicity. In addition, he could be employed as a peacemaker. Imagine this; instead of throwing shoes and chairs at each other; they could employ Kasab who would throw bombs at everyone. Arguments would get settled faster this way.
  
  
• Our Government has a heart that is overflowing with the milk of human kindness. It doesn’t do anything that would even remotely contradict the peace and calm of the well-balanced society that we live in. Moreover, it wants to set an example to the likes of USA and Russia that violence begets violence. (Please do ignore the July 14 2011 blasts. And while you’re at it, do blatantly ignore the daily blasts in Kashmir as well)
  
  
• Entertainment Purposes of Indian Audience for Make Benefit Funny Nation of India. Simple macha! We have stopped watching soap operas, now that our news channels provide more entertainment than non-news channels. However, when they do provide us with some news, we get to read some sensational articles such as the following:
  

1. How Kasab went bananas during Ramzan


2. How Kasab could possibly opt for a ten-year insurance plan, since the case would not go anywhere for another ten years


3. How the miscreants responsible for the July 14, 2011 Bombay blasts wished Kasab a very Happy Birthday


4. Or how Kasab could possibly delay our infrastructure from getting any better

Now if this isn’t entertainment, then what the phock is?

So, if you are (still) reading this, let me tell you that I have written this article with one goal in mind. To get you a little more angry. To tell you that please, do not sit down and be okay with our Government protecting the man who killed our brethren and treat him like some royalty. Be involved a little more, for this affects you directly. The terrorists are watching us. They see how we are a little shy of laying down the red carpet for them.

If we don’t want to do anything with this, then the next time there is a bomb blast, please do not blame the Government. Because it thinks you are okay and you can ‘move on’.

It’s so many of us against them. If we raise the issue and the Government helps us, we can definitely make a difference.

Because the question is not really what is the Government doing about this. The question that we really should be asking, is this – do all of us, including the Government, care enough to try to do something about this.

What happens when bomb blasts strike any city in India

It’s been, what, a month, since Bombay was targeted again with bombs.
Bombay (Special note to Shiv Sena: I have used the taboo word ‘Bombay’. Boo) being targeted time and again is not much of a surprise, since, well, it’s a city that is used to these kind of ‘interruptions in the daily routine’ every now and then.

Anyhow, Ajmal Kasab, the sole ‘survivor’ from the blood battle that occurred on November 26, 2008, is still alive. And so are his best friends, who came by, planted the bombs on July 14, 2011, and possibly participated in the anti-corruption morchas in support of the Jan Lokpal Bill as well. So, well, bomb blasts mean nothing much to anyone in this country, expect of course, to those who are affected directly by it.

Hence, while some of the terrorists get arrested and enjoy chicken biryani in jail while some others plot and plan about the next plan to unleash hell, here’s what happens in the rest of country on the day of the blast, and the day after the blast:

• Media reports about the blasts
• People get panicky and start contacting family and friends to check if they are okay
• Some intelligent people post FB/Twitter updates about offering any help to ferry people from office to home or offer information about the nearest hospitals, blood banks, the like
• Most of us express sorrow for those affected in the blasts on the various social networking platforms
• And most of us also condemn the blasts, the terrorists and the apathetic Indian Government

On the third day after the blasts, this is what happens:

• The anger and furore displayed by the general public on social networking sites die down
• People are now back to their routine lives, boldly facing whatever obstacle comes their way—bombs included—and are proud to display the ‘Bombay Spirit’

A month after the blasts: Hardly any one even remembers that on this day, last month, a bomb blast tore apart a section of their city.

Now don’t get me wrong; there are some people out there, trying to portray how ‘concerned’ our ‘system’ is about the terrorist situation. What irks me is that the very ‘system’ that is supposed to protect us, is trying to shut them up, for reasons that defy logic.

And when the ‘system’ is not arresting people who uncover the truth, they are acting ridiculously stupid, by issuing a ‘statement condemning the blasts’ from a Microsoft Corp Hotmail address.

And then, there are some of us who, merely two days after the blast, return to the movie halls to catch the latest release.

Quote from a TOI article: Said movie buff Harsh Thairani, "Blasts have now become routine with us Mumbaikars. Life moves on. Besides, I think the period after the blasts is the safest. The police are on alert; nothing untoward is going to happen."

I am trying really hard to not take pot-shots at anyone. Really trying. But it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to ignore the unrealism of the situation.

So here’s my conclusion.

• Nothing really affects us until it happens to us
• We are completely willing to let dirt be thrown into our eyes and believe that going back to our routine lives is the same as ‘moving on’
• And when we get into power and actually do manage to catch a criminal who bomb blasts the shit out of our cities, we waste huge amounts of money just to provide food, clothing, shelter AND protection for him
• And the rest of us complain about it, on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or blogs (like this one)

PS: If you going to write a self-righteous comment, please, don’t even bother.

Five things that every client wants

Anyone with a brain has, at some time in his or her life, stopped to think, “Why Am I Here?” or “What is My Purpose In Life?”

I haven’t arrived at those moments yet. Perhaps it could be so, because I do not have a brain. But that is a story for another day.

However, the even more baffling question that has plagued me and the rest of the world is this – What The Hell Do Clients Want?

What? WHAT????

After much deliberation, I have come up with a few plausible discoveries that could perhaps, in a trivial way, satisfactorily answer this question. Hence, according to me, these are few of the simple requirements they seek, and the origin of these humble requests:

1. When the dinosaur was born and man saw the dinosaur, he was impressed with the beast’s size. That impression stayed on his mind, just like the tail bone stayed in the ass. This is the reason why clients demand everything DINOSAUR SIZE – Dinosaur Size Logos, Dinosaur Size Fonts, Dinosaur Size Images etc.
   
   
2. When some people dope and get high, they claim to see shades of new colours, the kind they have never seen before. Clients demand THOSE EXACT KIND OF SHADES in their web pages/ ads. They want the target audience to get an awesome high every time they see the website / ad; perhaps even lose consciousness once in a while out of sheer amazement. Now you know why most people look doped half the time!
   
   
3. Most clients are ancestors of Karan Johar. Why, you ask? Well, because for the client, it’s all about loving your parents / family. So when they get some work from you, they want the opinion of every Tom, Dick and Harry they know since the day they were born, and they make sure that no one is left out. After all, sharing is caring.
   
   
4. Most of the clients started working the day they were born. As such, they never really had the chance to play indoors, much less outdoors. During school hours, they would moronically stare at the slide in the playground, wondering about its amazing technology, but never really having the time to actually partake in its fun. Now you know why they will not accept less than 80 slides in every Microsoft Office PowerPoint Presentation.
   
   
5. “No man is an island.” Someone in the corporate world took this proverb quite literally and decided that if anything that needs to be done, should be done together. Hence clients love meetings; it doesn’t matter that everyone likes to think that they are lazing on ‘an island’, lulled to sleep by the soothing monotone of the informative presentation / topic; as long we have a meeting room and there are people are in it, the world will survive!
   

Now that you know what clients want, you can stay rest assured that your clients will be very happy with you as long as you ensure that all your work is produced in Dinosaur Sizes, sports a mess of many colours, where every feature is elaborated upon in a PowerPoint Slide, which is presented in a lengthy meeting.

Now for those of you who love mathematics or just like feeling intelligent by seeing mathematical calculations, here’s a disturbing question:

Clients = Do not know what they want
Female = Doesn’t know what she wants
Hence Female = Client
Hence Female Client =?

Well, I am a woman. How am I supposed to know? :P

The best to NOT happen to mankind: Human Resources

The job of a coal miner. So dangerous. Exhausting. Risk driven. Fatal even.

Obviously an HR person doesn’t think so.

Welcome to undeniably the most feared department of any organisation – The Human Resources Team. If ‘you’* do not tread carefully here, you will be minced into tiny shreds of unrecognisable flesh. *Here, ‘you’ is the gullible employee.

Anyone worth his coffee has wondered, mostly on a daily basis, about the purpose of an HR department. The upper management on the other hand, of course, sips into premium blends of varied concoctions (very expensive water), hires an HR Team and never wonders about its whereabouts again (Unless they want to do something evil, in which case they call everyone for a meeting, which, in my opinion, is the third most evil weapon ever devised by mankind).

I really don’t need to dwell into how notoriously diligent an HR person is. What I would rather do is list down the occurrences that you will NEVER find in a HR department.

1. An HR person doing work
Remember how you had requested for your appraisal confirmation papers many many many years ago? And remember how you got married, gave birth to fifteen children, got them married off too, and yet, your appraisal papers have never graced your eyesight?

2. An HR person caring about you
Remember how the HR person told you that he is very sorry that you are not being recognised for your proactive efforts and commendable performance? Well you don’t remember any such thing, simply because it never happened.

3. An HR person ensuring that you get a good promotion
Remember how you got promoted? Yes, a good memory can be a bad thing.

4. An HR person who really doesn’t care about timesheets
I really don’t know how many hours have been clocked in which section and why. Which is why I opine that timesheets are the second most evil weapon to be invented by mankind. Of course we all lie about the hours, because no sane person can keep track. Unless he is an HR person. In which case, the following happens:

You: “Gee, I was working so hard, I just couldn’t keep track of the time.”

HR: “This is a clear evidence of laxity in time management and disability to remember under pressure.”

You: “What? It’s a trivial timesheet!”

HR: “Subject also shows signs of disrespect to uninformative excel sheets.”

You: *FML.*

5. An HR person not paying attention to trivial matters such as dress code
So you wore a bright orange tent-like shirt coupled with latex green coloured pants. Now here, sane people chose to ignore you as much as they can. An HR person, on the other hand, braves the possibility of losing eyesight owing to the bright glare from your attire. He instead goes a step further, calls you for a one-on-one meeting* and mentions exactly why your superior calibre and awe-inspiring leadership skills can totally be ignored in a performance review due to the colourful mess that you have adorned on your being.

*One-on-one meeting in a room alone with HR person solely doing the talking tops the list in the ultimate torture to be unleashed on the unsuspecting.

6. An HR person not ignoring your mails
You receive mails about every unrelated-to-you news in the world such as the following:

• Happy birthday to our new joinee, Mumbo Jumbo.
• Mumbo Jumbo completes 3 days
• Mumbo Jumbo got married
• Mumbo Jumbo now has quadruplets
• Mumbo Jumbo grew new hair on his ears

Ok, so maybe I went overboard there. But remember how you sent a million mails to the HR department about an XYZ issue, which magically did a Matrix-like stunt in avoiding their attention? And yet, you regularly receive updates about Mumbo Jumbo and his experiences at office and random things growing out of his earlobes.

In my entire life (till date), I am yet to come across an HR person who actually does what he is recruited to do: make life simpler for the employees. Not that I can boast of having come across many HR people, as I try all means to avoid any form of contact with anyone who works in this department. As it turns out, that would be a futile attempt for me, as the HR department excels in avoidance therapy as and when it suits them.

And this very avoidance therapy is what I am hoping will save my life if any HR person happens to read this post :P

People we could do without in the New Year

The New Year is approaching and everyone is preparing their lists of resolutions, which they plan to forget exactly two seconds before the clock strikes 12 am on 31st December.

I, on the other hand, am making a list of the people who excel in the art of ‘infuriating someone to the end of his tether’. Also known as ‘royally pissing off’ in fanciless English. These are the people whom I imagine running my car over - twice in reverse gear, for added effect. The good thing here is that I do not know how to drive. Thus, maximum damage is guaranteed.

Bikers riding on the sidewalk

Sidewalks were built to provide additional safety to bikers who are scared of riding on the main road. What about us pedestrians you ask? Monkeys are our ancestors for a reason. We can simply climb from tree to tree.

But wait. The sidewalk is where a tree was used to be.

See now why bikers are number one on this list?

Jaywalkers looking at the opposite side when crossing the road

Surely there must one idiotic, errant driver who opined that it must be fun driving from the opposite end of a one-way road. Must look out for these people!

So what if the vehicles are coming toward him from the other end? The empty end is all that matters.

Attention seekers

Attention seeker educating himself / herself: "The world revolves around you. Your world also revolves around you. The solar system is going 360 degrees on your axis. Any rotation happening in the universe is around you."

If the world exploded into bits, it’s because an attention seeker somewhere in the world broke a toenail. Trust me, the horror of this is unimaginable.

Everything that is, is because of an attention seeker. Don’t believe me? Look how in some remote, unrelated way, the likes of attention seekers influenced the likes of me to write the crap that is the post.

Double faced people

It is kind of forgivable to find out that Sonia is actually Sunil. Hurts a lot to know that the girl you have always loved for 15 straight years and wanted to have babies with, is actually a boy and a closet cross-dresser. Hurts real bad, but forgivable.

What is not forgivable is being downright cunning and kind at the same time. Now this combination is freakishly scary.

Example

Two-face: You have such a bad cold. Here, wear my sweater.

Gullible: Oh, thank you so much!

Two-face: Office boy, now lower the damn AC temperature to 12 degrees!

Gullible: (thinks) WTF? (What the finger?)

Do you thank two-face or punch him in the face(s)?

That, my friend, is why you should own a car and not learn driving.

Managers

These are the people you adore to bits. You cannot stop thinking about them and you discuss about them with everyone you know.

They ignore you for most of your working life. The only two isolated situations during which they acknowledge you are when they are in trouble or when you are in trouble. Not surprisingly, the ratio of you being in trouble as to them being in trouble is 1000000:0

Otherwise, they do not even look in your direction.

The Human Resources Team

Ah. My most favourite team in the world! What I wouldn’t do to display my undying love, adoration and loyalty to the single most underrated, underestimated, undervalued and underdog department of any organisation!

Ok. Seriously. Why else would they UNDERPERFORM all the time?

Well what do you know, turns out I do have a New Year resolution!

*Demolish people in above list* :D

And this resolution, I will not forget. x-D

Mirror Mirror on the wall, who has the lowest self esteem of them all?

Everyone is obsessed about the way they look, and everyone wants to look the best. As such, self esteem is the cheapest item you can find these days.

Here’s how you can earn millions by creating delusions of low self esteem and tell the most beautiful person in the world about how they are, well, not beautiful.

Self-esteem hunter: Wow, you have lovely eyes!

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: Why, thank you!

Self-esteem hunter: If only you had worn this raccoon-like eyelash enhancing product.

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: What would I need that for?

Self-esteem hunter: You have great eyes, mind you, but do curtains fly every time you flutter your eyelashes?

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: Why should curtains fly?

Self-esteem hunter: Because raccoon-like eyelash enhancing product gives you great eyelashes.

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: Oh! Give now!

See? It’s THAT easy.

People will buy anything that comes in the form of a fancy bottle, with a difficult-to-pronounce name, providing some outrageous miracles that will occur post usage. Now that I mentioned it, there happens to exist a exciting and budding career option in this field:

The Miracle Product Line Writer
Job Description: Write sophisticated lines, none of which are the truth, or even related to the product or the user.

Example: Gardener Shampoo and Conditioner

"Concocted with special, exotic herbs, your hair will outshine the brightest diamond and redefine physics and geometry with the perfect way your hair straightens itself out IMMEDIATELY after you have towel dried it. It also gives you the liberty to have toe-length hair in one advertisement and ear-length hair in another!"

The perks in this field are high and rewarding, what with three miracle makers being born every second, in the harried attempt to improve every organ of your body, its good health notwithstanding.

Speaking of good health, (as much as I wish to avoid this particular topic), I am forced to bring to mind the illusion of being fat when actually one is pencil thin:

62 kg woman (may be slightly overweight for her 5 inch 3 foot height): Hi sweetheart!

23 kg woman (is grossly underweight for her 5 inch 5 feet height): Do not talk to me, I am fat!

62 kg woman (may be slightly overweight for her 5 inch 3 foot height): *FML*

Every woman does obsess about her weight, true. But there is healthy obsession and then there is the illogical logic that makes me want to pull out every nail, dip it in my eye, then swallow the nail whole, washed down by the purest form of undiluted sulphuric acid.

Here’s how you can tell a painfully thin person that she needs to lose weight, and FAST.

Self-esteem hunter: Wow, what lovely legs you have!

Stick-thin person: Oh thank you!

Self-esteem hunter: If only you could show them off in these ultra-slim, skin-fit, bone-hugging jeans!

Stick-thin person: Why not, here, let me try them!


(Two hours later)


Stick-thin person: *Sob sob*. These jeans do not fit me!!

Self-esteem hunter: WHAT? The ultra-slim, skin-fit, bone-hugging jeans that was originally made for the frame of a 5-year old, do not FIT you?? The horror!! Stop drinking water girl! You have put on weight!

Stick-thin person: (gasps) I am fat!! I am doomed!! I am fat!!

Now thin people who think they are fat, can surely lose all their ‘fatness’, which merely involves peeling off whatever little flesh is left on their bony frame. That way, they won’t be fat no more! But how does one solve the itching ugliness that is threatening to creep out of our darker-than-the darkest-hour skins?

HOW?

Worry not, my gullible friend with no value for your own self esteem. The miracle makers have solved this problem too.

Got an upcoming pageant to participate in? Never mind that you have a perfect body, amazing features, a lovely personality and flawless skin. If you aren’t fairer than blinding light, then you stand no chance of landing any job other than scraping the dirt off your own impeccable nails.

Have been called to a hotshot company for a new job? The interview that you are attending requires you to be a fair, handsome, girl-like man. Preferably with pink lips. The MBA and PHD can rot in hell for all we care.

The all-knowing, omnipotent fairness cream. Fulfils your dreams. Changes the way world looks at you. Which is pretty much bound to happen, since your face is unusually fairer than the rest of your body.

Now cannot-be-seen-in-the-night sort of dark skinned people may have some logical use for the fairness cream. What makes me want to continue the aforementioned sulphuric acid fiasco and add some nitrous oxide to it is the fact that the fair skinned are the target audience for this segment. Stupid? Well not if you have low self esteem people around you.

Self-esteem hunter: Oh my, aren’t you Miss Snow White reincarnate?

Miss Snow White: I AM Snow White.

Self-esteem hunter: Oh well, surely you cannot be THE Snow White!

Miss Snow White: WHAT? Why not?

Self-esteem hunter: Look at those invisible blemishes! And those aging eyes! And the microscopic lines on your forehead! Surely you are not ignoring your own fading beauty Miss Snow White, are you now?

Miss Snow White: Fading beauty? I am 20 years old!!!

Self-esteem hunter: And wouldn’t you like to stay twenty forever?

Miss Snow White: (hopefully) CAN I??!!

Self-esteem hunter: Why yes, dear!

How can beauty be skin deep, when your skin is barely there, hidden under all those multi-layers of make-up and miracle creams?

Damned if I know.

Mail Tales

Dear Sir,

As I am getting my kidney operated the following month, I would like to apply for the leave in advance. Please sanction my leave from June 17 to June 30.

Kindly grant me the approval at the earliest.

Thanks and Regards,
Tanmay

Re:
Dear Tanmay,

Our client from the USA is coming down next month to meet us. The date is not fixed yet. Unfortunately, your kidneys would have to hold on till then. Please take your medications and drink plenty of water. Maybe this would help?

Best regards,
Mr Rao

Re: Re:
Hi Sir,

I am not in the position to postpone the operation. My kidneys are on the brink of collapse and an immediate operation is required.

Please consider the sensitivity of the situation and grant me the leaves.

Regards,
Tanmay

Re: Re: Re:
Hi Tanmay,

You must understand that for a client to come down from another country to our office is surely a big deal?! You should have informed me earlier that your kidneys were not in working condition.

Regards,
Mr Rao.


Re: Re: Re: Re:
Sir,
I am sorry my kidneys failed to match upto your expectations. While my heart is worried that this may affect my appraisal, my kidneys surely cannot withstand the pressure. Please grant me my leaves.

I may die!

Regards,
Tanmay

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
Tanmay,

You have signed a contract of three years and are expected to fulfil every clause in it, one of which involves your presence during this entire period.

Also, since you are the project manager, you are expected to handle all client interactions.

Please request your kidneys to be a little cooperative.

Regards,
Mr Rao


Later in the week.

Dear all,

With deep regret, we inform you that the client couldn’t make it to the ‘have nothing else to do on a week day’ meeting today.

However, the management picnic will not be postponed.

Please note that work continues as is for the rest of the team.

Regards,
Mr Rao


Re: Re:
Dear Sir,

Request you to please sanction my leaves now that the meeting is postponed.

Regards,
Tanmay

Re: Re: Re:
Dear Tanmay,

You have taken undue advantage of my leniency and patience. Please go on and take your leaves.

Note that they will be unpaid leaves.

Thanks.
Mr Rao



Much later in the week.


Dear all,

Since Mr Rathod has arrogantly gone on an unpaid leave and left us in a lurch, we will have to further postpone the client’s ‘can we meet for effective time wastage’ meeting today.

However, our management picnic, which was cancelled last week due to the worry over Tanmay’s absence, will be scheduled for the forthcoming weekend. We should not postpone fun because someone’s kidneys refuse to function for whatsoever reason.

However, for the rest of you, work will continue as is, picnic notwithstanding.

Cheers,
Mr Rao

Careers in Advertising: Defining the actual job descriptions

Head of Agency: Ability to treat all clients as long lost relatives.

Brand Manager: Should be able to bullshit the client and the team.

Client Servicing: Must know how to say yes all the time.

Copywriter: Should have the knack of saying no.

Art: Should assume that no one understands them.

Client: Must multi-task between assuming, refusing and confusing.

A day in advertising

Client: I want three options delivered on this in half an hour.

Brand Manager: It’s not possible, but we can try.

Client Servicing: We have a brief. It’s just a 15-minute job.

Copywriter: Tell the bitch I do not work here. So my opinion obviously doesn’t matter.

Art team: This is against my artistic principles.

Client Servicing: Everyone hates me.

Head of Agency: Tell them to do it in one hour.

Brand Manager: Half an hour is all you got.

Client Servicing: The team is working on it.

Client: I think I don’t want that copy anymore.

Love in the time of management

Scene in meeting:

Boss: “We need to downgrade the bandwith to amplify our budget and augment individual productivity.”

Foreign language translator person: “We have to make do with snail speed internet connection.”

Boss: “I was talking about the length of the toilet tissues we will be using from Q4 onwards.”

Foreign language translator person: “AH.”

It’s unbelievable how people from the management, manage to communicate at all. It’s like they don’t want you to understand what they are saying. Take for example PPT sessions. The PPT was of course, meant to clarify; now that is the ideal situation. In reality, PPTs are designed to confuse – they contain words that were invented before the dictionary was, with ambiguity deeper than the Black Hole. Notice how every new slide is accompanied with faster closing of eyelids and yawns with wider circumferences. But that of course, is me, in a meeting. Other PPT viewers look like they really are loving it, but in actuality, they are planning what to wear for Monday’s job interview.

So, this had me wondering; if and when management people, ‘managed’ to take out the time to, you know, ‘procreate in the name of emotion’, which in simple human language means FCUK for the hell of it, then how do they communicate? I think their conversations may include the following:

When in the mood:
I think I need a raise

When not in the mood:
I don't think I have the bandwidth to touch base*

When complimenting:
You have exceeded my expectations

When reprimanding for being too fast or too slow:
This is not professional behaviour

When discussing ways to innovate:
Maybe I should work on improving my skill sets*

When directing the other person through a ‘maneuver’:
The position has to be directly / inversely proportional to the upward swing of the graph

When making silly jokes (after above dialogue):
What graph?

And most important of all, when playing safe:
Pull your socks up

Now, try not to laugh the next time your manager uses one of the above phrases, or else you may get ‘fired’!

*Susanna Athaide's contribution

Let's talk.

Conversations. Everyone loves conversations.

Especially if it’s about themselves.

You want to tell your friend about how you tripped the other day and almost broke your hip. However, even before you reach the part where you tripped, BANG! She will think of an incident, where, she too almost broke an organ. So what if it’s just a fingernail that broke? It’s SOMETHING! At this point, you are taken back to your memories of watching the American Pie movies, with Michelle and her “This one time, at band camp” instances which are more boring to hear than it is to hear an HR personnel speak about human kindness.

You never finish your conversation, but you know all about your friend’s broken nail and the exact measurement of ointment used to ensure a speedy growth too. You could probably write a thesis on it, which would be titled, “Nailing it. Not.”

Here is an example:

A: So, today I embarrassed myself in front of my boss

B: Wow, what happened?

A: Well, my boss sends me a mail which I had to reply to, and I punched in the wrong email id, hence mailed a non-existing id and....

B: I know!! That happened to me too! I mean it was just so weird you know!

A: Wait, I didn’t...

B: So what happens is, I am mailing this funny mail to my friend at work...and it gets forwarded to the boss! Like what are the odds of that happening?!

A: Er....

B: I know!!! Anyway, so this boss calls me in, and guess what? (doesn’t allow other person time to guess) She LOVED the mail!!! Isn’t that the coolest thing ever! I thought I was so getting fired today!

A: But....

B: I know!!!! She even told me to include her in my mailing list next time onwards! I hope this gets me promoted!

A: You don’t.....

B: I know!!!!

And some other times, the Conversation Stealers talk about things that are not even related to the topic at large, small or whatever.

Here’s an example:

A: Hey, so I was walking my dog and this weird looking thing bit him and now he is unwell

B: What bit him?

A: Looked like a bug....don’t know...I think....

B: Must have been a shark bug

A: Huh?

B: Dude, did you see the way those sharks bit Joe in that movie? So I was seeing this awesome movie on cable that day.....is called ‘Shark or What!’ Is a funny movie...and has this scene where this shark bites the main character named Joe and it gives him this ugly scar! And you know what he goes around telling people? That he fought a lion! I mean is that funny or what?!

A: I....

B: No! It’s Shark or What!! HAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Someday. These people will be &^%$#^&*@!%^$%$^#@^&$#@. Someday.

When boredom strikes

Have you ever noticed that most of the things we do during our sessions of boredom are activities of pure genius?

Here’s a list.

• Making funny faces: There is a potential stand up comedian / clown hiding in each of us
  
  
• Inventing new games: You think Twister was invented when someone saw coloured dots after he fell down the stairs? I hope not
  
  
• Writing comics: As much as all our famous cartoonists would probably deny, all their creations have stemmed out of sheer, extreme boredom
  
  
• Practising scenes from movies: What other valid reason for theatre anyway!
  
  
• Staring at a fly on the wall: The fly population owes boredom one
  
  
• Shadow talking: If only they could talk back to us. (Source of inspiration for most horror films)
  
  
• Thinking up ways of Armageddon and how we will save the world: (Steven Spielberg and James Cameron were at the moment-to-kill-self-due-to-boredom before their phenomenal movie scripts took birth)
  
  
• The way we would die: (EVERYONE has outplayed this scene in their imagination, for countless number of times. Movie Directors are lucky to get other people act it out for them)
  
  
• This blog: (What! Why are you reading this then? Cos you’re bored? Refer to Line 1 :P)

All dressed up and nowhere to go

Hot summer days. Hotter summer nights. Chilly winters. Mayhem-filled monsoons. Indian weather is as unpredictable as the Indian Weather Board is. Every weather season hits us with one question: ‘Can you survive this?’ And no, we cannot, but we try our best, through our seasonal clothes, optional make up, terrain specific shoes etc etc etc. But this is how the normal Indian functions.

Now, our telly soap star actresses, they belong to an entirely different league. They hail from another planet, where the extremity of the weather doesn’t seem to affect them, where sweating is perhaps an abnormality rarely (if at all) visible and where a person’s attire is not in any way related to the weather, the situation or the television serial itself.

So.

Here is a crash course on how one can become the Ultimate Indian Television Soap Queen:

• Wear make-up. Don’t stop.
  
  
• Wear colourful sarees. With bright motifs and big diamonds. Ask someone to comment on your saree. If they cannot comment due to lack of sight on witnessing your attire, you have draped the right cloth around your lithesome body. Oh, and yes, wear these at home. Going for a party to some fancy hotel? Just top the garishness of what you are already wearing.
  
  
• Wear jewellery. All of it. Make sure no body part goes without a decoration.
  
  
• Wear shoes that defy the texture of every terrain.
  
  
• Change clothes every time the camera moves away from you. Try to top the garishness of every outfit you adorn. It isn’t difficult. Aliens keep donating their discarded skins to the production units every time.
  
  
• Go to bed with the outfit you last wore when the camera swayed twenty times around you. Let the make-up stay. Apply some more just to ensure it stays. Wake up looking like you never went to bed at all, where an invisible iron ensured that the creases stayed out of your garments, and where your hair bears the did-not-let-the-air-touch-my-hair look.
  
  
• Exaggerate every emotion. Mosquito died? Let the tear ducts flow. Dam vessel not making the beloved clinking sound? Murder your mother-in-law’s sister’s husband’s father’s niece’s sister-in-law for the heinous crime of not washing vessels as advised.
  
  
• Plot. Your husband’s family welcomed you, but there is this one evil lady / man in the family who just hates the way your eyelashes curl. Can also not stand the shadow it throws on the bridge of your nose. So both of you begin the game of plotting, where you plot to stay out of all plots, while the evil lady / man just plots to ensure that you are in the middle of every plot.
  
  
• So they made you the vamp huh? Easy. To look like a vamp, just increase the occurrence of things mentioned above, to say, 40 times more. For eg: If the nice lady wears only 10 layers of make-up (Indians love the natural look), you just have to put on 40 more layers (We really love the natural look). Ensure that your eyes have some really charming make up that prompts us to think that you are a cross breed between an ugly doe and a hideous snake. Do not forget to adorn gravity, sensibility and length defying jewellery and bindis. About the acting, well...wait, acting? My bad. Just pretend that you were constipated since you were born. Rest should come naturally to you.

It doesn’t take a lot to star in Indian serials. Our soap stars have the ability to make Osama Bin Laden come out of his hiding place and yell, “Enough of the terror! I give myself up!” The only reason why anyone has not tried this yet is because, well, we really are not THAT merciless now, are we?