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Monday, December 28, 2009

In Corporate Limbo

I: I sent you the mail you requested for.

They: What is it about?

I: You are kidding me right? Right?

They: Should I colour my toenail ghastly red or lovely pink?

I: (descends into gradual insanity)

They: Perhaps you could turn the light tube a bit toward my direction? That should help me decide

I: (should I bring a mini blow dryer to dry your nails) The mail?

They: Oh yes.

Brief silence. For 30 minutes

They: (looks up) Oh, I decided. Lovely Pink it is.

I: (removes gun) Do you want to shoot me?

They: Let my nails dry first

Monday, December 7, 2009

The Engagement of Sushant and Anita (Gulp)

Girl: So! We are getting engaged!

Boy: (Gulp) Yes.

Girl: What’s that?

Boy: (small gulp) What?

Girl: You gulped. Why?

Boy: I gulp when I’m happy.

Girl: You didn’t gulp when I chose the ring that you bought for the engagement.

Boy: I was too happy to gulp (Gulp)

Girl: You seem to gulp at the wrong moments.

Boy: You can say that.

Girl: I wish you had chosen a ring as pretty as mine.

Boy: I like simple rings (gulp)

Girl: Simple rings make you happy?

Boy: (Gulp)

Girl: Oh I can’t wait for the engagement day!

Boy: (Gulp)

Girl: We will be starting a new bond, a new life!

Boy: (Gulp) (Gulp)

Girl: Forever!!! And ever!!!

Boy: (Gulp) (Gulp) (Gulp)

Girl: Just how happy are you right now?????????

Boy: (Gulp)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Fatness is a state of the fat mind.

There are fat people. And then there’s us. We aren’t fat by BMI standards. But, if you look at us, you wouldn’t say, “Wish I had a body like that.” In addition, the chance of the likes of us being noticed by anyone is not even a once-in-a-blue-moon thing. In fact, the blue moon may just not come out that one time it does, if it happens to lay its eyes on us.

So we are fat.

We invented a few terms – jelly, dump of a lump, lump of dough / jellyfish, pregnant-yet-without-child etc. We are not exactly proud of this. Perhaps Urban Dictionary likes us for being the two-hundred millionth word on their database. That’s an achievement for us. We find solace in negative things. Are compelled to.

And we are fat.

We feel fat. And the feeling translates into believable reality. Of course, if we feel thin, it doesn’t work that way. (Wonders why). Clothes hate us. But we try to maintain a platonic relationship with them. Also, the camera doesn’t add ten pounds to us. There isn’t any further scope for that. And oh, gravity hates us too. (Einstein, our sincere apologies).


But we look at the world from a larger perspective. (Maybe it’s the fat eyes). And that’s where, we see the bigger picture. Pun intended? Perhaps.

The Nokia N73

Is this what computers have become? The N-Series by Nokia poses this question to the new-generation customer, signifying that technology (more so, Nokia) has come of age, and how! If global warming doesn’t get the better of us, it won’t be too long before the humble cell phone in our palms replaces the computer entirely.

I was gifted the N73 for my birthday, on October 29, 2007. I couldn’t have asked for a better gift. After using a very simple phone—one with a black and white display and pixelated images to pass for graphics—the Nokia N73 was an entire new experience for me. The first feature that gripped my attention was the large display screen. The Nokia N73 has one of the biggest screens in its league – 2.4 inches of screen space (240x320 pixels to be precise). Once I had managed to look past the width of the screen, the sleek design of the phone came into my view. The 116 gm model may seem bigger than most phones in size, but is actually light to hold and fits comfortably into my palm or pocket. The shiny black surface, accentuated with the neo-blue light of the keypad, only intensified my growing affection for this model. And, I had yet to explore the plethora of features embedded in this phone. Such is the magic of the Nokia N73. Its exterior design so captivates you that you can’t help but spend a minimum of fifteen minutes to simply gawk at the phone in sheer admiration.

I then sat myself down to browse through the many features of this phone. Good old Nokia, never too confusing to navigate through, no matter how complex the model. Although the N73 is a complete upgrade for me as compared to the nature of phones I used earlier, the Nokia N73 posed no difficulty in understanding its user interface. The first feature that I sampled upon was the sound functionality of the phone. My phone is a music edition, specially built to produce the finest quality of sound possible in a mobile phone. I was exhilarated with the supreme quality of sound of the N73; crystal clear, crisp, bass-based music, with a complete blocking off of all other sounds in the background. Somehow, the radio sounds better on the N73 than it does on other phones. The set of Bose headphones that comes with the phone, is as sleek as the phone itself, and performs even better in terms of sound quality. Another plus point of this phone is that it supports most of the file formats such as MP3, AAC and WMA to name a few. In short, the music edition of the N73 provides a musical extravaganza that is nothing short of sheer bliss for a self-confessed music fanatic like me.

The third feature that I may never stop raving about is the camera. The model has a 3.2 mega pixel Carl Zeiss lens camera, producing a picture quality that is so fine, it almost could pass for a photo taken from a regular camera. The lens is protected by a sturdy cover, which when flipped back, will get the phone into the camera mode. The camera will produce good images even in poor light conditions. A little button next to the shutter button allows you to directly access the photo gallery, and get back to clicking mode. So, I can click a picture, go to the gallery without getting out of the camera mode, view any image, and get right back to clicking pictures. Saves so much time and is so much more convenient. The model also has a VGA camera, which pales in comparison to the main camera. But it’s the main camera that allows no disappointment to set in the modest picture quality of the VGA camera. In addition to this, the phone allows you to organise your pictures as you please, with a host of intuitive and creative options to choose from, akin to an online album. The most appealing feature in this arena is the slide show option of images. It is like viewing a PPT! Very neat transitions of slides, with a song of your choice playing in the background.

An inbuilt memory of 42 MB with an extendable memory of 2 GB is just about enough to store at least 200 images and 100 songs as well, not to mention every message that you may have received from day one! On board are Microsoft Word, Excel, PowerPoint and Adobe Reader softwares as well as the PC suite enabled Outlook synchronisation. The usual features such as Bluetooth and Infra red are present as also are the SMS and MMS functions, voice recorder, unit converter, GPRS and games.

The Nokia N73 is worth every penny it costs. A wonderful phone that encapsulates a multitude of features, which, after almost two years of owning the phone, I still have to explore! I am still in the stages of enjoying the music and the photography. More is yet to come!


Girl to boy: How much do you love me?
Boy to girl: I would have to leave you to know that.

Its easy.

This is dedicated to a certain someone I know :)

When I frown.
When I’m down.

When I’m angry.
When I’m cranky.

When I’m frustrated.
When I’m devastated.

When I’m lonely.
When I’m melancholy.

You’re not here, but no matter where.
Here, there, everywhere.

When I need you.
I think of you.

It’s easy.


“Our Love.”

The ant amongst us

He peeps out of his home. Ms White is cleaning her window again. Mr Smith seems to have had a good night’s sleep because his zipper is not open this time around. Cory Mcfinn is digging his nose again. He is disgusted. No taking anything that falls out of his hand – that’s for sure.

He comes out. It must have rained in the morning – good ol smell of the earth. Ok. Who are we kidding? That was just old Jones farting away to glory. Humans are such filthy creatures. If he so much as let out a molecule of flatulence, the crawly creature would gobble him up in no time.

Let’s venture out today, shall we? A cautious step forward. No Woodland shoe on him. Not yet anyway.

So much to look forward to. Every step a mystery, every breath a luxury. How is it that the humans look so bored then?

He scurries forward.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

How to identify a manager

  • Their designation. Very fancy title. Makes no sense. For eg: Strategy Manager. I am not sure what does a Strategy Manager do. I am not sure that even the Strategy Manager knows what he does.

  • The facial expression. Looks constipated all the time.
  • The manner of walk. Oh yes, check out the walk. Will assume a very straight posture, as though the Taliban is breathing down their neck. It’s the walk that’s supposed to instil fear in the hearts of those who cross their path. All it does is make me laugh.
  • Steal a peek at their PC. Ninety-nine out of hundred times, they will be working on any of the following three: MS Excel sheet, Internal-software-that-puts-employees-in-trouble or a mail.
  • They eat at their desk. Always. If possible they would sleep, shit and mate at their desk as well.
  • They work on a holiday. Not because they have no life. Just so they can boast about it.
  • They fanaticise a lot. Example: The deadlines they set. They somehow believe these crazy deadlines are achievable.
  • Their brains know not what their mouth expresses. And vice versa.
  • They are selectively deaf. They pretend to not hear you when you have a problem, but are all ears when someone is blaspheming you.
  • They love to gossip.
  • They are the bullies who never grew up in school and think that the office is one big school playground.
  • Logic and managers were never meant to be.
  • They prove their worth by conducting meetings after pointless meetings. And encourage team participation by not allowing anyone to talk.
  • They are the original soap stars. They create drama around petty things like the non-availability of a drawing pin that will pierce a white board that is as fat as their pompous ass.
  • Their spoken English is best left unspoken. And they speak it all the time. Even when they know that no one is listening.
  • They have fake accents and use heavily jargonised language. They believe that aspects are proof of their intelligence. No one has proven them wrong, for no one listens anyway.
  • They have the irritating habit of speaking to you as though you are dumb. Can’t blame them. It’s difficult to look interested when they talk.
  • They are fat. The ones who are not fat in body mass are fat-headed.