People we could do without in the New Year

The New Year is approaching and everyone is preparing their lists of resolutions, which they plan to forget exactly two seconds before the clock strikes 12 am on 31st December.

I, on the other hand, am making a list of the people who excel in the art of ‘infuriating someone to the end of his tether’. Also known as ‘royally pissing off’ in fanciless English. These are the people whom I imagine running my car over - twice in reverse gear, for added effect. The good thing here is that I do not know how to drive. Thus, maximum damage is guaranteed.

Bikers riding on the sidewalk

Sidewalks were built to provide additional safety to bikers who are scared of riding on the main road. What about us pedestrians you ask? Monkeys are our ancestors for a reason. We can simply climb from tree to tree.

But wait. The sidewalk is where a tree was used to be.

See now why bikers are number one on this list?

Jaywalkers looking at the opposite side when crossing the road

Surely there must one idiotic, errant driver who opined that it must be fun driving from the opposite end of a one-way road. Must look out for these people!

So what if the vehicles are coming toward him from the other end? The empty end is all that matters.

Attention seekers

Attention seeker educating himself / herself: "The world revolves around you. Your world also revolves around you. The solar system is going 360 degrees on your axis. Any rotation happening in the universe is around you."

If the world exploded into bits, it’s because an attention seeker somewhere in the world broke a toenail. Trust me, the horror of this is unimaginable.

Everything that is, is because of an attention seeker. Don’t believe me? Look how in some remote, unrelated way, the likes of attention seekers influenced the likes of me to write the crap that is the post.

Double faced people

It is kind of forgivable to find out that Sonia is actually Sunil. Hurts a lot to know that the girl you have always loved for 15 straight years and wanted to have babies with, is actually a boy and a closet cross-dresser. Hurts real bad, but forgivable.

What is not forgivable is being downright cunning and kind at the same time. Now this combination is freakishly scary.

Example

Two-face: You have such a bad cold. Here, wear my sweater.

Gullible: Oh, thank you so much!

Two-face: Office boy, now lower the damn AC temperature to 12 degrees!

Gullible: (thinks) WTF? (What the finger?)

Do you thank two-face or punch him in the face(s)?

That, my friend, is why you should own a car and not learn driving.

Managers

These are the people you adore to bits. You cannot stop thinking about them and you discuss about them with everyone you know.

They ignore you for most of your working life. The only two isolated situations during which they acknowledge you are when they are in trouble or when you are in trouble. Not surprisingly, the ratio of you being in trouble as to them being in trouble is 1000000:0

Otherwise, they do not even look in your direction.

The Human Resources Team

Ah. My most favourite team in the world! What I wouldn’t do to display my undying love, adoration and loyalty to the single most underrated, underestimated, undervalued and underdog department of any organisation!

Ok. Seriously. Why else would they UNDERPERFORM all the time?

Well what do you know, turns out I do have a New Year resolution!

*Demolish people in above list* :D

And this resolution, I will not forget. x-D

Mirror Mirror on the wall, who has the lowest self esteem of them all?

Everyone is obsessed about the way they look, and everyone wants to look the best. As such, self esteem is the cheapest item you can find these days.

Here’s how you can earn millions by creating delusions of low self esteem and tell the most beautiful person in the world about how they are, well, not beautiful.

Self-esteem hunter: Wow, you have lovely eyes!

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: Why, thank you!

Self-esteem hunter: If only you had worn this raccoon-like eyelash enhancing product.

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: What would I need that for?

Self-esteem hunter: You have great eyes, mind you, but do curtains fly every time you flutter your eyelashes?

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: Why should curtains fly?

Self-esteem hunter: Because raccoon-like eyelash enhancing product gives you great eyelashes.

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: Oh! Give now!

See? It’s THAT easy.

People will buy anything that comes in the form of a fancy bottle, with a difficult-to-pronounce name, providing some outrageous miracles that will occur post usage. Now that I mentioned it, there happens to exist a exciting and budding career option in this field:

The Miracle Product Line Writer
Job Description: Write sophisticated lines, none of which are the truth, or even related to the product or the user.

Example: Gardener Shampoo and Conditioner

"Concocted with special, exotic herbs, your hair will outshine the brightest diamond and redefine physics and geometry with the perfect way your hair straightens itself out IMMEDIATELY after you have towel dried it. It also gives you the liberty to have toe-length hair in one advertisement and ear-length hair in another!"

The perks in this field are high and rewarding, what with three miracle makers being born every second, in the harried attempt to improve every organ of your body, its good health notwithstanding.

Speaking of good health, (as much as I wish to avoid this particular topic), I am forced to bring to mind the illusion of being fat when actually one is pencil thin:

62 kg woman (may be slightly overweight for her 5 inch 3 foot height): Hi sweetheart!

23 kg woman (is grossly underweight for her 5 inch 5 feet height): Do not talk to me, I am fat!

62 kg woman (may be slightly overweight for her 5 inch 3 foot height): *FML*

Every woman does obsess about her weight, true. But there is healthy obsession and then there is the illogical logic that makes me want to pull out every nail, dip it in my eye, then swallow the nail whole, washed down by the purest form of undiluted sulphuric acid.

Here’s how you can tell a painfully thin person that she needs to lose weight, and FAST.

Self-esteem hunter: Wow, what lovely legs you have!

Stick-thin person: Oh thank you!

Self-esteem hunter: If only you could show them off in these ultra-slim, skin-fit, bone-hugging jeans!

Stick-thin person: Why not, here, let me try them!


(Two hours later)


Stick-thin person: *Sob sob*. These jeans do not fit me!!

Self-esteem hunter: WHAT? The ultra-slim, skin-fit, bone-hugging jeans that was originally made for the frame of a 5-year old, do not FIT you?? The horror!! Stop drinking water girl! You have put on weight!

Stick-thin person: (gasps) I am fat!! I am doomed!! I am fat!!

Now thin people who think they are fat, can surely lose all their ‘fatness’, which merely involves peeling off whatever little flesh is left on their bony frame. That way, they won’t be fat no more! But how does one solve the itching ugliness that is threatening to creep out of our darker-than-the darkest-hour skins?

HOW?

Worry not, my gullible friend with no value for your own self esteem. The miracle makers have solved this problem too.

Got an upcoming pageant to participate in? Never mind that you have a perfect body, amazing features, a lovely personality and flawless skin. If you aren’t fairer than blinding light, then you stand no chance of landing any job other than scraping the dirt off your own impeccable nails.

Have been called to a hotshot company for a new job? The interview that you are attending requires you to be a fair, handsome, girl-like man. Preferably with pink lips. The MBA and PHD can rot in hell for all we care.

The all-knowing, omnipotent fairness cream. Fulfils your dreams. Changes the way world looks at you. Which is pretty much bound to happen, since your face is unusually fairer than the rest of your body.

Now cannot-be-seen-in-the-night sort of dark skinned people may have some logical use for the fairness cream. What makes me want to continue the aforementioned sulphuric acid fiasco and add some nitrous oxide to it is the fact that the fair skinned are the target audience for this segment. Stupid? Well not if you have low self esteem people around you.

Self-esteem hunter: Oh my, aren’t you Miss Snow White reincarnate?

Miss Snow White: I AM Snow White.

Self-esteem hunter: Oh well, surely you cannot be THE Snow White!

Miss Snow White: WHAT? Why not?

Self-esteem hunter: Look at those invisible blemishes! And those aging eyes! And the microscopic lines on your forehead! Surely you are not ignoring your own fading beauty Miss Snow White, are you now?

Miss Snow White: Fading beauty? I am 20 years old!!!

Self-esteem hunter: And wouldn’t you like to stay twenty forever?

Miss Snow White: (hopefully) CAN I??!!

Self-esteem hunter: Why yes, dear!

How can beauty be skin deep, when your skin is barely there, hidden under all those multi-layers of make-up and miracle creams?

Damned if I know.

Mail Tales

Dear Sir,

As I am getting my kidney operated the following month, I would like to apply for the leave in advance. Please sanction my leave from June 17 to June 30.

Kindly grant me the approval at the earliest.

Thanks and Regards,
Tanmay

Re:
Dear Tanmay,

Our client from the USA is coming down next month to meet us. The date is not fixed yet. Unfortunately, your kidneys would have to hold on till then. Please take your medications and drink plenty of water. Maybe this would help?

Best regards,
Mr Rao

Re: Re:
Hi Sir,

I am not in the position to postpone the operation. My kidneys are on the brink of collapse and an immediate operation is required.

Please consider the sensitivity of the situation and grant me the leaves.

Regards,
Tanmay

Re: Re: Re:
Hi Tanmay,

You must understand that for a client to come down from another country to our office is surely a big deal?! You should have informed me earlier that your kidneys were not in working condition.

Regards,
Mr Rao.


Re: Re: Re: Re:
Sir,
I am sorry my kidneys failed to match upto your expectations. While my heart is worried that this may affect my appraisal, my kidneys surely cannot withstand the pressure. Please grant me my leaves.

I may die!

Regards,
Tanmay

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
Tanmay,

You have signed a contract of three years and are expected to fulfil every clause in it, one of which involves your presence during this entire period.

Also, since you are the project manager, you are expected to handle all client interactions.

Please request your kidneys to be a little cooperative.

Regards,
Mr Rao


Later in the week.

Dear all,

With deep regret, we inform you that the client couldn’t make it to the ‘have nothing else to do on a week day’ meeting today.

However, the management picnic will not be postponed.

Please note that work continues as is for the rest of the team.

Regards,
Mr Rao


Re: Re:
Dear Sir,

Request you to please sanction my leaves now that the meeting is postponed.

Regards,
Tanmay

Re: Re: Re:
Dear Tanmay,

You have taken undue advantage of my leniency and patience. Please go on and take your leaves.

Note that they will be unpaid leaves.

Thanks.
Mr Rao



Much later in the week.


Dear all,

Since Mr Rathod has arrogantly gone on an unpaid leave and left us in a lurch, we will have to further postpone the client’s ‘can we meet for effective time wastage’ meeting today.

However, our management picnic, which was cancelled last week due to the worry over Tanmay’s absence, will be scheduled for the forthcoming weekend. We should not postpone fun because someone’s kidneys refuse to function for whatsoever reason.

However, for the rest of you, work will continue as is, picnic notwithstanding.

Cheers,
Mr Rao

Careers in Advertising: Defining the actual job descriptions

Head of Agency: Ability to treat all clients as long lost relatives.

Brand Manager: Should be able to bullshit the client and the team.

Client Servicing: Must know how to say yes all the time.

Copywriter: Should have the knack of saying no.

Art: Should assume that no one understands them.

Client: Must multi-task between assuming, refusing and confusing.

A day in advertising

Client: I want three options delivered on this in half an hour.

Brand Manager: It’s not possible, but we can try.

Client Servicing: We have a brief. It’s just a 15-minute job.

Copywriter: Tell the bitch I do not work here. So my opinion obviously doesn’t matter.

Art team: This is against my artistic principles.

Client Servicing: Everyone hates me.

Head of Agency: Tell them to do it in one hour.

Brand Manager: Half an hour is all you got.

Client Servicing: The team is working on it.

Client: I think I don’t want that copy anymore.

Love in the time of management

Scene in meeting:

Boss: “We need to downgrade the bandwith to amplify our budget and augment individual productivity.”

Foreign language translator person: “We have to make do with snail speed internet connection.”

Boss: “I was talking about the length of the toilet tissues we will be using from Q4 onwards.”

Foreign language translator person: “AH.”

It’s unbelievable how people from the management, manage to communicate at all. It’s like they don’t want you to understand what they are saying. Take for example PPT sessions. The PPT was of course, meant to clarify; now that is the ideal situation. In reality, PPTs are designed to confuse – they contain words that were invented before the dictionary was, with ambiguity deeper than the Black Hole. Notice how every new slide is accompanied with faster closing of eyelids and yawns with wider circumferences. But that of course, is me, in a meeting. Other PPT viewers look like they really are loving it, but in actuality, they are planning what to wear for Monday’s job interview.

So, this had me wondering; if and when management people, ‘managed’ to take out the time to, you know, ‘procreate in the name of emotion’, which in simple human language means FCUK for the hell of it, then how do they communicate? I think their conversations may include the following:

When in the mood:
I think I need a raise

When not in the mood:
I don't think I have the bandwidth to touch base*

When complimenting:
You have exceeded my expectations

When reprimanding for being too fast or too slow:
This is not professional behaviour

When discussing ways to innovate:
Maybe I should work on improving my skill sets*

When directing the other person through a ‘maneuver’:
The position has to be directly / inversely proportional to the upward swing of the graph

When making silly jokes (after above dialogue):
What graph?

And most important of all, when playing safe:
Pull your socks up

Now, try not to laugh the next time your manager uses one of the above phrases, or else you may get ‘fired’!

*Susanna Athaide's contribution

Let's talk.

Conversations. Everyone loves conversations.

Especially if it’s about themselves.

You want to tell your friend about how you tripped the other day and almost broke your hip. However, even before you reach the part where you tripped, BANG! She will think of an incident, where, she too almost broke an organ. So what if it’s just a fingernail that broke? It’s SOMETHING! At this point, you are taken back to your memories of watching the American Pie movies, with Michelle and her “This one time, at band camp” instances which are more boring to hear than it is to hear an HR personnel speak about human kindness.

You never finish your conversation, but you know all about your friend’s broken nail and the exact measurement of ointment used to ensure a speedy growth too. You could probably write a thesis on it, which would be titled, “Nailing it. Not.”

Here is an example:

A: So, today I embarrassed myself in front of my boss

B: Wow, what happened?

A: Well, my boss sends me a mail which I had to reply to, and I punched in the wrong email id, hence mailed a non-existing id and....

B: I know!! That happened to me too! I mean it was just so weird you know!

A: Wait, I didn’t...

B: So what happens is, I am mailing this funny mail to my friend at work...and it gets forwarded to the boss! Like what are the odds of that happening?!

A: Er....

B: I know!!! Anyway, so this boss calls me in, and guess what? (doesn’t allow other person time to guess) She LOVED the mail!!! Isn’t that the coolest thing ever! I thought I was so getting fired today!

A: But....

B: I know!!!! She even told me to include her in my mailing list next time onwards! I hope this gets me promoted!

A: You don’t.....

B: I know!!!!

And some other times, the Conversation Stealers talk about things that are not even related to the topic at large, small or whatever.

Here’s an example:

A: Hey, so I was walking my dog and this weird looking thing bit him and now he is unwell

B: What bit him?

A: Looked like a bug....don’t know...I think....

B: Must have been a shark bug

A: Huh?

B: Dude, did you see the way those sharks bit Joe in that movie? So I was seeing this awesome movie on cable that day.....is called ‘Shark or What!’ Is a funny movie...and has this scene where this shark bites the main character named Joe and it gives him this ugly scar! And you know what he goes around telling people? That he fought a lion! I mean is that funny or what?!

A: I....

B: No! It’s Shark or What!! HAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Someday. These people will be &^%$#^&*@!%^$%$^#@^&$#@. Someday.

When boredom strikes

Have you ever noticed that most of the things we do during our sessions of boredom are activities of pure genius?

Here’s a list.

• Making funny faces: There is a potential stand up comedian / clown hiding in each of us
  
  
• Inventing new games: You think Twister was invented when someone saw coloured dots after he fell down the stairs? I hope not
  
  
• Writing comics: As much as all our famous cartoonists would probably deny, all their creations have stemmed out of sheer, extreme boredom
  
  
• Practising scenes from movies: What other valid reason for theatre anyway!
  
  
• Staring at a fly on the wall: The fly population owes boredom one
  
  
• Shadow talking: If only they could talk back to us. (Source of inspiration for most horror films)
  
  
• Thinking up ways of Armageddon and how we will save the world: (Steven Spielberg and James Cameron were at the moment-to-kill-self-due-to-boredom before their phenomenal movie scripts took birth)
  
  
• The way we would die: (EVERYONE has outplayed this scene in their imagination, for countless number of times. Movie Directors are lucky to get other people act it out for them)
  
  
• This blog: (What! Why are you reading this then? Cos you’re bored? Refer to Line 1 :P)

All dressed up and nowhere to go

Hot summer days. Hotter summer nights. Chilly winters. Mayhem-filled monsoons. Indian weather is as unpredictable as the Indian Weather Board is. Every weather season hits us with one question: ‘Can you survive this?’ And no, we cannot, but we try our best, through our seasonal clothes, optional make up, terrain specific shoes etc etc etc. But this is how the normal Indian functions.

Now, our telly soap star actresses, they belong to an entirely different league. They hail from another planet, where the extremity of the weather doesn’t seem to affect them, where sweating is perhaps an abnormality rarely (if at all) visible and where a person’s attire is not in any way related to the weather, the situation or the television serial itself.

So.

Here is a crash course on how one can become the Ultimate Indian Television Soap Queen:

• Wear make-up. Don’t stop.
  
  
• Wear colourful sarees. With bright motifs and big diamonds. Ask someone to comment on your saree. If they cannot comment due to lack of sight on witnessing your attire, you have draped the right cloth around your lithesome body. Oh, and yes, wear these at home. Going for a party to some fancy hotel? Just top the garishness of what you are already wearing.
  
  
• Wear jewellery. All of it. Make sure no body part goes without a decoration.
  
  
• Wear shoes that defy the texture of every terrain.
  
  
• Change clothes every time the camera moves away from you. Try to top the garishness of every outfit you adorn. It isn’t difficult. Aliens keep donating their discarded skins to the production units every time.
  
  
• Go to bed with the outfit you last wore when the camera swayed twenty times around you. Let the make-up stay. Apply some more just to ensure it stays. Wake up looking like you never went to bed at all, where an invisible iron ensured that the creases stayed out of your garments, and where your hair bears the did-not-let-the-air-touch-my-hair look.
  
  
• Exaggerate every emotion. Mosquito died? Let the tear ducts flow. Dam vessel not making the beloved clinking sound? Murder your mother-in-law’s sister’s husband’s father’s niece’s sister-in-law for the heinous crime of not washing vessels as advised.
  
  
• Plot. Your husband’s family welcomed you, but there is this one evil lady / man in the family who just hates the way your eyelashes curl. Can also not stand the shadow it throws on the bridge of your nose. So both of you begin the game of plotting, where you plot to stay out of all plots, while the evil lady / man just plots to ensure that you are in the middle of every plot.
  
  
• So they made you the vamp huh? Easy. To look like a vamp, just increase the occurrence of things mentioned above, to say, 40 times more. For eg: If the nice lady wears only 10 layers of make-up (Indians love the natural look), you just have to put on 40 more layers (We really love the natural look). Ensure that your eyes have some really charming make up that prompts us to think that you are a cross breed between an ugly doe and a hideous snake. Do not forget to adorn gravity, sensibility and length defying jewellery and bindis. About the acting, well...wait, acting? My bad. Just pretend that you were constipated since you were born. Rest should come naturally to you.

It doesn’t take a lot to star in Indian serials. Our soap stars have the ability to make Osama Bin Laden come out of his hiding place and yell, “Enough of the terror! I give myself up!” The only reason why anyone has not tried this yet is because, well, we really are not THAT merciless now, are we?

In a FOUL mood

There has been much debate on the world’s foulest word. The F word doesn’t really mean anything. For a word that applies to countless situations, the F word has lost its significance. Soon, babies will enter the world, saying “Who the f*** switched on the light?”, and the doctors will nod in agreement about how healthy this baby is.

Hence.

What could be the foulest word then? For a word to qualify as the world’s foulest word, it has to generate ample satisfaction and sadistic pleasure in the person using the foul word and the desire to crawl and die for the victim of the foul word. The word also needs to be applicable to one situation: that the person is absolutely pointless and is the biggest scum of the earth. When you wish to convey this powerful message, only one word comes to my mind: You MANAGER!!

Ouch.

While reading this, some of my readers out there may have already said, “What rubbish”, while some may have used the foul word for me too. This should bother me, of course. But there are people, and then there are managers. And there is no possible reconciliation for that. (If you said WHAT RUBBISH, you know who you are:-P)

Below are two situations where you may need to call upon the powers of this word. These are hypothetical situations. (Yeah right).

A: Bitch! I waited you for FOUR LONG hours in the bloody park!

B: I was getting my hair done.

A: Yah, and I was asking the ants to pedicure me to death!!!!

B: Who?

A: I am so NOT waiting for you next time.

B: Would you rather see me in a weird hairdo!

A: Hahahahaha….am I not NOW???

B: You non-appreciating imbecile!

A: you MANAGER!!

And another one.

A: Did you clean the attic?

B: Do I know you?

A: Clean the attic

B: Give me a good reason why I should waste my time doing something YOU think is important.

A: Because I have knives that I cut vegetables with.

B: (silence) you MANAGER.

If you have used my patent bad word RIGHT NOW, you owe me some amount of money. And try not to insult me with a ‘YOU MANAGER’, as you finish reading this.

We all are MANAGERS at some point in our lives after all :P

Karthik calling Karthik

The much awaited movie, Karthik calling Karthik, is generating its fair share of publicity. So I decided to join the bandwagon and contribute – for free, mind you. Farhan darling, you owe me one.

So I am speculating. What could this movie be about? Here’s what I think. Karthik (Farhan) is wooing Lambi (my assumed name for Deepika) and they like each other and all that jazz.

Moving on to the main plot:

Lambi and her miniature genius are having a whale of time. However, as all famous couples of Bollywood movies, they come across a major hurdle that threatens the very core of their rock solid relationship (yeh Fevicol ka jod nahi hai?! Saala duplicate maal!). Things happen, people die, a bridge collapses somewhere in the world and Lambi announces that she is bored of her hair now and cannot tolerate Farhan’s good hair days anymore. (Adhuna Akhtar, you’re so sacked) People do get bored you know. Farhan pretends to not notice and continues singing songs while Lambi fumes in a corner. The movie is pretty boring until THE CALL.

Conversation

Caller: Hi, is this Karthik?

Karthik: Yeah, this is Karthik, who’s this?

Caller: Yeah, this is Karthik.

Karthik: Yeah, this is Karthik, who’s this?

Caller: Yeah, this is Karthik.

Karthik: I just told you, this is Karthik. Who the hell are you man?

Caller: Dude, this is Karthik. What’s wrong with YOU man?

Karthik: Why you little prick….

Caller: Dude, its Karthik.

Karthik: YEAH. THIS IS KARTHIK!!!!! WHO THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?????

Caller: THIS IS KARTHIK!!!!!

Karthik: Dude, just stop repeating what I say or I will cut your….

Caller: THIS IS KARTHIK!!!!!

Karthik: YEAH THIS IS KARTHIK!!!! JUST WHO THE #*^% are you?????????

Caller: Karthik!!!!!

Karthik: WHAT!!!!?????

Caller: WHAT what?

Karthik: YOU piece of….(Suddenly there is a cross connection…and both idiots hear Lambi giggling on the phone)

Caller: What the fu…

Karthik: SHHH!!! This is my girl's voice. Listen to what she is saying….

Lambi: Can you believe it sweetheart? Those dimwits are not getting beyond their own name….so damn funny….I KNOW!!!! Khee kheee kheee giggle giggle….(silence)….oooooh yes let’s do that baby….meet me in an hour…..yeah Tanya I will be on time….muahhhssssss (air kissing sounds)

Lambi’s line goes dead.

Silence.

Caller: Karthik?

Karthik: Don’t start that shit again……

Caller: Dude, my girl’s name is Tanya.

BOTH: SON OF A BITCH!!!!!

I am SO waiting to see whose version is better :D

My name is Khan. I am not a terrorist. (Killing people with my boring movie doesn’t count)

Herd mentality can be a bad thing. You have a nagging doubt about going ahead with what the majority seems to recommend, but instead of voicing out and vehemently protesting the atrocities of having to subject to another individual’s opinion, you gulp down your insecurities and hope for the best. This is when things like My Name is Khan happen.

After proudly announcing to the world that I would not, under any circumstances, watch this movie even for free, I took the bait and paid a precious 180 bucks for this sob fest. Had I known about the ordeal I was about to go through in the next four hours (K-Jo wtf?! FOUR HOURS?!), I would have happily switched to drinking sulphuric acid from a cocktail glass while smoking up on poisonous fumes instead.

I am not going to write about the story and the director’s vile attempts to make me gouge my eyes out after every five seconds. I will, instead, write about a few observations in the movie, the glaring flaws and of course, the weather, as and when I get bored. Which is a strong possibility considering what I am writing about.

• I do not know whether Shah Rukh Khan was acting or was just being his normal self in the movie
  
  
• A thirteen year old boy with Asperger’s Syndrome pumps gallons of clogged water by cycling away for many tireless hours and no one even thanks him. Unless you count bragging about the boy being one’s student as appreciation
  
  
• Is it just me or does Shah Rukh Khan look more blind than unfocussed?
  
  
• Coherent speech be damned, our hero does his imaginary singing in perfect clarity as and when the situation demands it
  
  
• Kajol meets Shah Rukh for the first time as she went about rescuing him from the crowd that had alighted from a bus, as they were pissed with Shah Rukh for standing in the middle of the road. Kajol then goes on to lecture Shah Rukh on the philosophy of fear. In the middle of the road. Note the absence of the crowd
  
  
• Kajol’s heart wrenching trust in just-met-guy-on-road-a-month-ago. “Please take my son to the museum. I do not care if you have Asperger’s Syndrome and certainly have no regard for your dislike of crowded places.”
  
  
• Kajol – “Oh, you have Asperger’s Syndrome AND are jobless! My faith in love is restored! My son will finally have a father! So what if it means a whole lot of adjusting for you. This movie is not about Asperger’s Syndrome anyway.”
  
  
• Shah Rukh, with such touching innocence, emphasises to pronounce Khan, his surname, in a way similar to the process of trying to get some phlegm out of your throat
  
  
• Note how boy and wife call father and husband, not ‘Dad’ or ‘Rizwan’, but ‘Khhhhhh-hhhhh—hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-----hhhhhhhhhhhh---an’
  
  
• Indian boy is killed in broad daylight, in awesomely big soccer field, and not a single soul notices this. The pleasures of murdering in a big school! *Must execute all my enemies here*
  
  
• Kajol doesn’t apply make-up when she is accusing her husband of being a Khan, but remembers to put some on when she goes around making people aware of the case of her murdered son *sniff*
  
  
• Shah Rukh goes backpacking through America without so much as a steady job in place, donates all his money to a fundraiser and STILL manages to travel without a hitch. Oh, and please take special note of ‘I am constantly travelling and am almost broke, but I still look bath fresh’
  
  
• Where there is water, Shah Rukh will cycle - (scene of floods caused by Hurricane Katrina). BMC team, here is your long awaited candidate
  
  
• Inspite of being afflicted with Asperger’s, our protagonist seems to know the A-Z of organisation when repairing a falling church (Superman, eat this!)
  
  
• News shows anchored at BBC / PBC are aired in Hindi or Hinglish. Indians, be ashamed. People of another nationality, who do not understand the language, are willing to tune into shows where our Indian correspondents will talk in Hinglish. Maybe they really dig the English parts
  
  
• Indian correspondent is scared of turban attracting violence in post 9/11 America, but retains beard. Is also fair-skinned, so the beard literally stands out. Is hoping that prospective attackers will ignore his reputation as a reporter, his fancy clothes and watch, and assume that he is too poor to have a shave
  
  
• Barkha Dutt (which I keep mistyping as Bra-kha for some hilarious reason). I am not sure what the lady is doing here
  
  
• While the US government lacks apathy, Indians come to the rescue of the people stuck in flooded church. Of course, it doesn’t matter that an actual rescue team is missing. Main hoon na!
  
  
• President Obama look-a-like wannabe. (goes into laughter fit). He is the REAL hero. He gives a rat’s ass to all security protocols of the USA and allows the barricades holding a surprisingly behaving crowd to be opened, so that our hero can come through *standing ovation*

I watched this movie with a friend who has sworn me to secrecy for fear of being socially rejected. I don’t care about social rejection anyway. After watching My Name is Khan, you pretty much stop caring at all.

One-liner truths

In all fairness is an insult for the dark-skinned

This meeting room is good for my sleep cycles

Look! A good manager!!! Hahahahaa! Gotcha!

I don’t participate during a meeting? Who is doing all the yawning?

My feelings are no match to your lack of ability to feel anything

Suppose you die.

The boss is angry with me. Maybe it was the 24-page long report that he requested for. Last year.

See? I TOLD you he would sell your report to the ‘save-paper-for-chanawallas’ foundation