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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Mirror Mirror on the wall, who has the lowest self esteem of them all?

Everyone is obsessed about the way they look, and everyone wants to look the best. As such, self esteem is the cheapest item you can find these days.

Here’s how you can earn millions by creating delusions of low self esteem and tell the most beautiful person in the world about how they are, well, not beautiful.

Self-esteem hunter: Wow, you have lovely eyes!

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: Why, thank you!

Self-esteem hunter: If only you had worn this raccoon-like eyelash enhancing product.

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: What would I need that for?

Self-esteem hunter: You have great eyes, mind you, but do curtains fly every time you flutter your eyelashes?

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: Why should curtains fly?

Self-esteem hunter: Because raccoon-like eyelash enhancing product gives you great eyelashes.

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: Oh! Give now!

See? It’s THAT easy.

People will buy anything that comes in the form of a fancy bottle, with a difficult-to-pronounce name, providing some outrageous miracles that will occur post usage. Now that I mentioned it, there happens to exist a exciting and budding career option in this field:

The Miracle Product Line Writer
Job Description: Write sophisticated lines, none of which are the truth, or even related to the product or the user.

Example: Gardener Shampoo and Conditioner

"Concocted with special, exotic herbs, your hair will outshine the brightest diamond and redefine physics and geometry with the perfect way your hair straightens itself out IMMEDIATELY after you have towel dried it. It also gives you the liberty to have toe-length hair in one advertisement and ear-length hair in another!"

The perks in this field are high and rewarding, what with three miracle makers being born every second, in the harried attempt to improve every organ of your body, its good health notwithstanding.

Speaking of good health, (as much as I wish to avoid this particular topic), I am forced to bring to mind the illusion of being fat when actually one is pencil thin:

62 kg woman (may be slightly overweight for her 5 inch 3 foot height): Hi sweetheart!

23 kg woman (is grossly underweight for her 5 inch 5 feet height): Do not talk to me, I am fat!

62 kg woman (may be slightly overweight for her 5 inch 3 foot height): *FML*

Every woman does obsess about her weight, true. But there is healthy obsession and then there is the illogical logic that makes me want to pull out every nail, dip it in my eye, then swallow the nail whole, washed down by the purest form of undiluted sulphuric acid.

Here’s how you can tell a painfully thin person that she needs to lose weight, and FAST.

Self-esteem hunter: Wow, what lovely legs you have!

Stick-thin person: Oh thank you!

Self-esteem hunter: If only you could show them off in these ultra-slim, skin-fit, bone-hugging jeans!

Stick-thin person: Why not, here, let me try them!

(Two hours later)

Stick-thin person: *Sob sob*. These jeans do not fit me!!

Self-esteem hunter: WHAT? The ultra-slim, skin-fit, bone-hugging jeans that was originally made for the frame of a 5-year old, do not FIT you?? The horror!! Stop drinking water girl! You have put on weight!

Stick-thin person: (gasps) I am fat!! I am doomed!! I am fat!!

Now thin people who think they are fat, can surely lose all their ‘fatness’, which merely involves peeling off whatever little flesh is left on their bony frame. That way, they won’t be fat no more! But how does one solve the itching ugliness that is threatening to creep out of our darker-than-the darkest-hour skins?


Worry not, my gullible friend with no value for your own self esteem. The miracle makers have solved this problem too.

Got an upcoming pageant to participate in? Never mind that you have a perfect body, amazing features, a lovely personality and flawless skin. If you aren’t fairer than blinding light, then you stand no chance of landing any job other than scraping the dirt off your own impeccable nails.

Have been called to a hotshot company for a new job? The interview that you are attending requires you to be a fair, handsome, girl-like man. Preferably with pink lips. The MBA and PHD can rot in hell for all we care.

The all-knowing, omnipotent fairness cream. Fulfils your dreams. Changes the way world looks at you. Which is pretty much bound to happen, since your face is unusually fairer than the rest of your body.

Now cannot-be-seen-in-the-night sort of dark skinned people may have some logical use for the fairness cream. What makes me want to continue the aforementioned sulphuric acid fiasco and add some nitrous oxide to it is the fact that the fair skinned are the target audience for this segment. Stupid? Well not if you have low self esteem people around you.

Self-esteem hunter: Oh my, aren’t you Miss Snow White reincarnate?

Miss Snow White: I AM Snow White.

Self-esteem hunter: Oh well, surely you cannot be THE Snow White!

Miss Snow White: WHAT? Why not?

Self-esteem hunter: Look at those invisible blemishes! And those aging eyes! And the microscopic lines on your forehead! Surely you are not ignoring your own fading beauty Miss Snow White, are you now?

Miss Snow White: Fading beauty? I am 20 years old!!!

Self-esteem hunter: And wouldn’t you like to stay twenty forever?

Miss Snow White: (hopefully) CAN I??!!

Self-esteem hunter: Why yes, dear!

How can beauty be skin deep, when your skin is barely there, hidden under all those multi-layers of make-up and miracle creams?

Damned if I know.

1 comment:

sheffy said...

Hmmm.... Since you've asked me for my comments, here goes... It's a subtle version... Get the hint...

(Me being diplomatic):
Hmmm... Well, Anito... Hmmm.... Yeah.... Ah.....
Hmmm... The article has potential... Don't get me wrong... You've done a commendable job... But my belief in you says that you can soar higher...

(Me being blunt (and outright rude)):
Anito... Hmmm.... Well... Yeah.... Ah... Hmmm....
Sorry, I'd prefer putting it in a nice way without having nasty things to say... Refer to above diplomatic comment...