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Monday, July 28, 2008

Why Santa Claus is NOT a woman

God (if there is one) is a smart chap. He chose man to take up the responsibility of being Santa Claus (if there is one). Think why.

Shopping for gifts
A woman shopping for children?
A woman shopping? Stop right there.

Children can be real pests. Women too. No good pairing them up. Push the man in the front.

Driving the reindeer around
Women can’t drive. Period. You can’t kill a reindeer, giggle about how stupid you are, show your lovely teeth to the parole officer, and get away with it. This is not Earth.

Ho Ho Ho!!!!!!!!
What would the woman say to announce her arrival? Hee hee hee? The children will think that a witch has come and will run for their lives. And what would we call her? Santina Clausina? Lady in red? Sounds like the name of a porn movie.

Slinking down the chimney business
Imagine a woman doing that. She will not go down the chimney. She is bound to make all sorts of excuses such as how the soot will spoil her manicured legs and spotless clothes and blah blah blah. Who needs this grief? Down you go man.

And most importantly…..
Who is going to tell the children that the jolly old (?!) woman is not Santina Clausina (chokes) but is actually their MOM!! They have to know that at some point. You don’t won’t them writing letters to Santina Clausina at the age of 30, asking for a job.

Now imagine a
DAD (read MAN) explaining that to his child. Yes. 99 times out of 100, he will be cursing his wife a.ka. Santina Clausina, for putting him in this situation. It somehow seems worse. And there is a huge chance that he will screw it up.

So man is better off being Santa Claus. The one thing he is good at anyway.

Interesting conversation

Girl: So, dear, will you come to meet me in the evening?

Boy: Depends.

Girl: Come on, you have to come.

Boy: Yeah sweets, I know. But I have to see how much work I may have at office.

Girl: So you won’t come?

Boy: I didn’t say that.

Girl: You said you have to see how much work you may have at office.

Boy: Yes, that is what I said.

Girl: So, if you have too much work, you won’t come?

Boy: I will try.

Girl: That means you won’t come.

Boy: I said I will try.

Girl: You won’t come.

Boy: I didn’t say that.

Girl: You said you will try.

Boy: Which means?

Girl: That you wont come.

Boy: No, it means that I will try my level best to make it. I will TRY to come.

Girl: Trying is not the same thing.

Boy: It’s better than not coming at all.

Girl: That means you won’t come.

Boy: I will. I said I will try.

Girl: Say you will come.

Boy: Will try.

Girl: Means you will not come.

Boy: You must stop saying that over and again. I said I will try to come.

Girl: It’s not the same thing.

Boy: Have you said anything different in the past 10 minutes?

Girl: No. Neither have you.

Boy: I just did.

Girl: Stop that nonsense now. Are you coming or not?

Boy: I will try.

Girl: No you won’t.

Boy: I will.

Girl: Come?

Boy: Try.

The conversation is not so interesting now, is it?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

The verdict is out

I went to the doctor again to get my ankle examined. The reports stated that I have internal swelling of some soft tissue (thankfully, my hard tissues are intact). I have been advised to take rest for atleast a week. Yay. Now I can finally count how many tiles are there on the floors of my house.

Add to this, the strong medication has altered the health of my digestive system. I now have a mild case of dysentery. The very thing that I find difficult to do, I now have to do it every 10 minutes.


Come to think of it, I now have all the time to count the number of tiles in my bathroom. Yay.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Where do you see yourself five years from now?

In an interview, if one was asked,

Where do you see yourself five years from now?

One would normally say:

“Stabilised in a senior position in my field of expertise”. Blah blah and so on and so forth.

What most would really want to say is:

* In the CEO’s seat
* I am sorry, but I am short-sighted
* Happily married with twin boys. And I also hope that I am the CEO of this company
* Selling porn for a living
* I want to be the President of India within five years
* I don’t know what I will be doing five HOURS from now
* Do you know what you will be doing five years from now?
* The same place where I was five years earlier. My house.
* God knows
* Dead, I hope?

Such a funny question.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Alive but not kicking.

My left ankle is 3 months pregnant. Conceived on Thursday, July 17, 2008. While I was running for a train.

The time was 7:10 am. I had all the time in the world to take a leisurely tour of Malad station, talk about the weather with the paanwalla outside, and also count how many bikes and cycles are parked outside the station; and after all this, I would still have managed to reach office by 8.00 am. Yes? No.

There! The train is come, I better run for it. My brain (or the lack of one) decided that 7:10 am is too late and Andheri is 1000 kms away and there is no way I can possibly reach office by 8:00 am. No sir. Jogging across the bridge, scampering slowly down the stairs (have vowed not run down the stairs after a very nasty fall down the stairs at Bandra station)…the train is on the platform now…make a run for it…RUN!!!

Run I did. A little sprint….train has stopped now…you are almost there Anita…stupid women in my way…do a Neo-Matrix thing and dodge them….swish swoosh… cannot miss the train…RUN….uh oh…losing my balance now…regain it immediately… ….OUCH!!! Dear LORD of the heavens, MY LEG!!! But thank God, I am in the train!!! I won’t be late for work now. Victory at last! Everyone is applauding me…Yay.

I spotted an empty seat and sank down…and then realised that my left foot is sending very painful signals to my stupid brain. I wanted to cry out in frustration and pain…but I couldn’t. Public place you see. According to my intelligence-defying logic, you may have an arrow sticking out of your chest, but if you want to sit down, you should always smile and say, “Excuse me, is that seat taken?”

I clutched my foot and noticed a very big swelling forming on my left ankle. I couldn’t keep my leg down on the floor and for a good half hour, I was completely numb (aside from the foot, of course. That pained like a bitch). The pain was unbearable and I thought I was maimed for life. Goregoan went by. Jogeshwari is on its way now. I tried to think and decide my point of action.

I debated fiercely in my head. Should I go home? Should I go to work and then tell someone to drop me home? Maybe I should go to Churchgate and then back to Borivali and back and forth between Churchgate and Borivali till I was sure that I could get up and make a move. The last idea seemed like the most humane thing to do at that point of time. I could sit and never get up. Such a relief.

As this insane idea swam about, agreeing with all the dead cells in the junk of a brain in my head, the train was in the process of leaving Jogeshwari station. And that fact suddenly came to my attention. I could have gotten down here and waited on the same platform for my next train! I wouldn’t have to climb any bridges or stairs (which at that time was equivalent to climbing Mount Everest) to get my Borivali train! Goddamit! Great ideas make a conscious effort to avoid me—and spring up only at the last moment. Always.

The lovely idea of sitting in the same train and making countless rounds of Churchgate and Borivali, didn’t seem lovely anymore. Someone might report me to the railway officials as a terrorist with a swollen leg, who has been in the same train since three days. No, that won’t do.

I thought of getting down at Andheri and hopping to work and asking someone to drop me home. I told you, I don’t have a brain. Andheri was almost 2 minutes away. I had to get up now. Considering my speed of walking, I thought the train will reach Churchgate by the time I reach the door. But thankfully, I alighted at Andheri. Yay. Another victory (?!)

By now, my entire left leg was in sheer pain, as my nerves screamed for relief. I decided to go to work. I walked towards the stairs and looked up. Suddenly, Mount Everest loomed in front of my eyes. There lay the huge staircase in front of me. How am I ever to climb that without falling down and breaking some more bones? And then it dawned on me that if I can’t climb a few stairs, then maybe going to the office was not such a good idea after all. Yay! My brain DOES work on few rare occasions!

I climbed the stairs, went across the bridge, climbed down the stairs and limped to the platform. Did this in 20 minutes. On a good day, I would be in the train in 5 minutes. THREE trains came and left by the time I reached the platform. After what seemed like an eternity, I was finally in the train. Going home. The only good part of this cursed morning.

And here I am, back at work. Had to sit or lay on my ass for FOUR whole days. Just sit and count flies. But at least, I was at HOME. Maybe I should run some more on the platforms…..

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

YOUR INTELLIGENCE DEFIES LOGIC. Touché. Was that rude? I mean was that RUDE ENOUGH? No? Let me try again….

It is a common misconception that everyone can be sarcastic. I object. I didn’t want to use the phrase ‘Beg to differ’ for a couple of reasons. First, I won’t ‘beg’ for a chance to make a point. If I have something to say, I will say it right out. Secondly, it displays such fake modesty. ‘Beg to differ’. So, you can be all humble and sophisticated and say stuff like “I beg to differ, but you are just plain brain dead and ugly” to someone who thinks that she / he should be walking the ramp and has intelligence that surpasses genius? Yeah, if you are sarcastic like I am now….perhaps you may….

So, going back to where I left off, it is a common misconception that everyone can be sarcastic. But then, nonsensical stuff is always commonly known and often is a stupid misconception. Really now, can everyone say something in such a way that the victim is rendered speechless or doesn’t even know what hit him? It is a rare art, mastered by a few and ‘practiced’ by many fools.

Why do I love sarcasm? Simply because I derive a sadistic pleasure from it. It satisfies me immensely to know that I have shut the opposite person’s filthy mouth up. (Hopefully, for a few years). That what I said has made the victim stutter to say something remotely fitting for the generous insults I have bestowed on him. To know that the truth has been conveyed with such little effort and so much impact. Sarcasm. It’s my favourite tool.

Little wonder then that my boyfriend is ten times more sarcastic than I am. He is so sarcastic that he looks like what sarcasm would look like if it had a face. Very few actually look like what they feel in general. Very few. It’s called the ‘default feeling’. You better not ask these species, “So how are you?” at a wrong time. They will say something so vicious, and in such a normal tone, that you might scrunch up your pitiable face and start crying. At such times, your insides have melted and crying is the only thing that you can do. Literally.

It’s not like sarcastic people are eternally pissed off with the world and everything in it. No. That again is rubbish. COMMON MISCONCEPTION. They have so many things to look forward to, and most have what you would call ‘the good life’. Happy as a carefree bird and satisfied with the way their lives are shaping up. It is just that they are surrounded with morons. Wannabes. Impersonators. People are so driven away from reality (out of their own personal choice) that it makes us cringe, scream our lungs out in frustration and then take each moron and fry them up, limb by limb. But then, why all the mindless effort directed at something so insignificant? Talking is so much easier.

What is even funnier (and very pissing off at times) is that most of the victims JUST DON’T GET IT. They sometimes even LAUGH, thinking that you cracked a very hilarious joke. And then, they will break out into some absolutely irritating and fake, hyena-like howling / laughing. And it gets you thinking, “Oh cool, he is laughing at his own expense”. Or they will just stare at you dumbly. No reaction. Snap your fingers. They won’t even blink. Sometimes it makes you wonder, why even bother?

Sarcastic people are brutally honest. That is why people avoid such ‘sarcastic species’. They think that they are downright rude. Which at one point, may be true. But the fact remains, that no one is strong enough to deal with the truth. That is reason for the apathetic state that the world lives in today. Everyone is trying to ‘get away from it all’. Which is good enough, as long as they survive. What happens when it finally comes to you? That’s when the shit hits the fan. And then, it is too late, to, you know, switch off the fan or pray for an electricity cut.

I have observed that many GENUINELY sarcastic people, more often than not, are atheists, or else, their belief in the ‘HIGHER POWER’ is standing on shaky grounds.

Is there a connection? Maybe. God wouldn’t like it if we keep telling everyone ‘the truth’, now would he? There is a reason why Jesus Christ was crucified. He told the truth. And he also was sarcastic. One of the best. He told the truth like it is. But with such subtlety that I can’t help but admire his wit. He made the Romans think. They never had before. And they couldn’t handle it. He may be a fictional character for all I care, but fiction or not, he was sarcastic, to say the least. And that is all that matters to me.

There just might be a connection between being sarcastic and being atheist; perhaps, we can’t seem to apply any logic to the existence of God. Or of a higher power. Why will someone waste all their time ‘up there’ and monitor all the nonsense going on ‘down here’? They might as well be a part of it and enjoy it rather than sit on their ass the whole time, just looking at millions of morons go from one crappy day to the next.

What a waste. Or better still, why not explore the universe? Here is man, trying to conquer the skies, inventing all sorts of devices to enable a deeper study of the Milky Way and other such wonderful things. And wasting precious money and time. And there THEY are, with the entire universe at their disposal. How about taking a tour? Or better still, play with the planets. Like Calvin did when he was solving mathematical problems. (Calvin would have been a great God). No, THEY will just sit and watch. Like freaks.

Moreover, humans live their lives governed by principles that have been brought into existence with due support from the ‘Almighty’. Ya okay. So I will live my life based on what THEY think. And I don’t even get a choice. And no, free will is not free will if there are consistent subtle hints and nudges of ‘doing the right thing’. Suppose I want to bomb my office. But I can’t do it because ‘It is not the right to do’. So what happened to free will now? Anyway, most of the rules are made by humans. Religion / religious books are very much like those ‘How to do this and How to do that’ books, which are full of the opinions of someone who has nothing constructive to do with his time. And these opinions are influencing your life. Religion. People pray for it, fight for it and kill for it. I innocently wonder now why do most of the murders in the world take place in the name of religion. God is as real as Santa is.

Sarcastic people therefore shun religion, for it is full of loopholes. There doesn’t seem to be any good coming out of it. Whether or not we follow a religion, our lives would have been the same. In addition to this, you can’t be mean and sarcky and claim that you love God and all his people. Hypocrisy and sarcasm don’t go well together.

Sarcastic people also have to hear many snide remarks. But a sarcastic person is only truly insulted if the opposite person’s remark is snider than his. Not because they had to listen to an insult. That is not bad at all. They don’t give a rat’s ass about such things. What is unnerving is that they have to tolerate a person who is damn frustrating to be with, but has a sarcasm meter that crosses all boundaries. It’s like meeting your competitor. You hate his guts only because he is so damn good. But if you are sarcastic, you have learnt to laugh and pass comments on yourself too. A guy who is more sarcky than you are has said something viciously sharp to you. You can snap back by saying, “You can insult me better than I can insult myself!” Yeah. A sarcastic person sees opportunity in everything. Irrespective of whom the joke is upon.

All said and done, sarcasm is the best tool you could ever have. It delivers all the time. It can never fail, provided you don’t get brain damaged or something. Sarcastic people thrive on the stupidity of the people around them. As long as stupidity exists in the world, sarcasm will flourish. And the world is full of stupid people. One in three persons is stupid and doesn’t even have a clue about it. It’s true. You didn’t have a clue about this until know, did you? See what I mean?

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Hilarious lyrics of DIL DANCE MAARE from the movie Tashan.

I know it is a Hindi song and all....but this song is simply funny. Read it

Dil Dance Maare - Tashan

White white face dheke dil woh beating fast sasura
Chance maare reeee eehhheeee

White white face dheke dil woh beating fast sasura
Chance maare re
White white face dheke

White white face dheke dil woh beating fast sasura
Chance maare re
Oh very… oh very…
Oh very happy in my heart
Dil dance maare re

Very happy in my heart, dil dance maare re
Dil dance maare dance maare
Dil yeh dance maare
Oh very happy in my heart
Dil dance maare re

Oiye can’t stop my feet
Can’t stop my feet, jo lamwa kare hai zalim beat

Hai can’t stop my feet
Jo lamwa kare hai zalim beat
Kadakti heat mein ban ja deet
Nainan se nain mila re
Baath dil kin a chupa re
Oh aaja mujhko tu baata re
Oh very happy… happy… happy
Oh very happy in my heart
Dil dance maare re
Very happy in my heart, dil dance maare re
Dil dance maare dance maare
Dil yeh dance maare
Oh very happy in my heart
Dil dance maare re

Hoo rose ki jaisan pink pink, humre gaal gulabi
Sky ke jaisan blue blue hi tohara nain sharabi
Bola chera jaise moon,
Kali zulfe jaisa cloud
Ab na aur chupya jaye, dhadkan ho gayi very loud
(Dhadkan ho gayi very loud) — 2

Hoiiii… tohare dil ka theatre ma aaa….
Tohare dil ka theatre ma
Dil deewana booking advance maare re
Humre dil ka theatre ma
Dil deewana booking advance maare re
Oh very … oh very…oh very
Oh very happy in my heart
Dil dance maare re
Very happy in my heart, dil dance maare re
Dil dance maare dance maare
Dil yeh dance maare
Oh very happy in my heart
Dil dance maare re

White white face dheke dil woh beating fast sasura
Chance maare re
White white face dheke dil woh beating fast sasura
Chance maare re
Oh very… oh very…
Oh very happy in my heart
Dil dance maare re
Very happy in my heart, dil dance maare re
Dil dance maare dance maare
Dil yeh dance maare
Oh very happy in my heart
Dil dance maare re….

EDUCATIONS be damned

The other day, i was in the train. I saw this ad for home tutors. It read:

Skilled professionals helping your child's educations grow.

I am glad. They help my child's

Not just an
. Education with a 'S'. Like a free offer. Buy one, get one free.

No wonder there are so many illiterate people in my country.


Thursday, July 3, 2008

Split – the band

I am ever so grateful to Pradnya Joshi, my giggly and bubbly friend from Netscribes. She took me to Firangi Paani and introduced me to the coolest local band ever. Split. I heard them for the very first time on May 27, 2008. They have been around for a while and I have been missing all the action. Damn it Pradnya! Couldn’t you have told me about these guys sooner? When will you improve? Always late!

Moving on, Split is

Garreth D’Mello (vocals)

Aviv Pereira (lead guitars)

Melroy D’Mello (rhythm guitars)

Shekhar Mohite (Bass)

Nigel Collasco (Drums)

Pradnya knows Nigel etc etc and that is how we got to go to the gig. I wasn’t really keen on this one because frankly speaking, the Indian rock scene is very boring, with a few exceptions of HFC (Helga’s Fun Castle) and Them Clones. Now these guys have such an interesting sound. A song of Them Clones was actually used for a bike ad, can’t recall which one though.

Most of the other bands are aping the West, or at least trying to, and end up making a mockery of themselves in the bargain. It is such a waste of effort, time and electricity. I can’t stand PDV (Pin Drop Violence). I think they are all noise and no music. And Pradeep Miranda is so over-hyped. Get a life guys.

So, with all this angst against the Indian rock scene, I was pretty sceptical of listening to ‘yet another Indian band’. But boy, was I wrong! After some bands doing their thing, which also included an Irish band, whose vocalist spoke more and sang less, (he should be an orator. Or a politician in India) I was about to strangle myself. However, I must say that there was another international band that wasn’t all that bad. The lead vocalist reminded me very much of 4 Non Blondes vocalist, Linda Perry, and she indeed was a delight, both to watch and listen to. Wish I knew the band name!

But that was it. I was getting frustrated by the minute and Split didn’t seem to be coming upfront very soon. I threw daggers-eyes at Pradnya and she patiently told me to wait. So wait I did. And I am willing to wait another lifetime if I just to get hear that voice again. Yeah baby, after an eternal interim period, SPLIT WAS ON!

Perfect guitars, drums were just so right and the songs? Who cares that I couldn’t understand a word? I was intently focusing on the voice. And the man behind that deep, resonating, sending shivers-down-my-spine voice. Ah Garreth. You are simply amazing.

Such an interesting voice. I didn’t pay attention to anything else. Just the voice. It has a mysterious edge to it. And the way the words swirl. Heaven.

I liked the entire person Garreth transformed into once he started singing. It was such a pleasure to watch him perform.

Split played for the longest time and generated the loudest cheers amongst the audience. Everyone in the bar stopped doing what they were doing and listened. Split is playing. Nothing could be more important than that!

You could say I have become a fanatic Split fan. I could say that you were right. But no. I am just a fanatic Garreth D’mello fan. We worship thee!

For more information, you should visit their website:

Thank you Pradnya! Nature’s eight wonder has unfolded before us!!!

How about that? The dudhead strikes again!!! I have managed to post a comment on my own blog!!

Susanna Athaide.

I am no lesbian, but I really love this gal. She is like an extended version of me. Except that I am fatter. I connect with her in a very weird way. The only other person i connected with so well, was my once-upon-a-time-best-friend-Kimberly Almeida.

The reason why I think I am a half-wit is probably because Susanna has the other half of my brain
. I say the weirdest things and she understands me so well. Ditto for her. (Stop smirking Susanna). We are voracious readers. Sleepers. (not together, thank you very much). Chocolate lovers. Love music like we love our books. Actually no. We love books more. Can do without music. Will die without books. (I can almost see Susanna nodding her head vigorously).

I dedicate a song to my sweet pal - The Lonely Shepherd by Gheorghe Zamfir. I think the mood, thoughtfulness, calm and solemness of the song fits her well. I miss her. She isn't sitting next to me any more. I have no one to irritate now. This is a terrible tragedy.

I wish her luck in everything. The world needs more Susanna Athaides.

We are as retarded as the rest

On Tuesday, the heavens opened up, and down came the rain. Unrelenting rains for an entire night and four hours of the following day, and what with the tide coming in at 11:00 am, Mumbai yet again looked like it always does, year after year, after it is hit by torrential rains. (Thank you, you brain-dead news channels. You never made me forget.)

And then
, came out the angry young Mumbaikar, lashing out at the BMC, for not doing their job, as they had promised to. How many crores went into making Mumbai flood-free? 2 crores? 3? WHERE IS ALL THE MONEY GOING???

Well, some of it was used to clear the mess that we, civic senseless citizens, so shamelessly, have created, and are completely oblivious of
. Plastic bags are supposed to have been banned eons ago. These enemies of the environment are not doing any good to anybody. Dustbins exist for a reason. Littering on the road is equivalent to littering in your own house.

Trees. Beautiful green trees. Ever heard of a tree making your life miserable? Trees. Shade. Calm. Cool air. Breeze. Green sola
ce. Trees. What possible good are we getting out of cutting trees?
Trees hog the space that supposedly belongs to man? This Earth doesn't just belong to man, you know.

The BMC cannot function if we don't cooperate. Corrupt officials are not an excuse.
We elect them. If they don't perform, it is our duty to have them out of office. We cannot sit on a nail and complain that our ass is sore. Its about time
we take responsibility for our own actions.

Save your own soul.

Aamir - post Khuda Ke Liye = DOWNER

Last month, I saw Aamir (prompted by all the media hype, very unnecessary, might I add). It isnt all that great a movie and pales in comparison to Khuda Ke Liye, the Pakistani hit that had scorched the theatres a while back.

Although both, Aamir and Khuda Ke Liye tackled the same subject—
the fundamentalists Muslims v/s idealist Muslims—the former was not as captivating as the latter.

Watch to understand why.

And watch Khuda Ke Liye first and then Aamir.


I am sitting here doing nothing. I am positively bored.