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Sunday, February 15, 2009

How to identify a manager

  • Their designation. Very fancy title. Makes no sense. For eg: Strategy Manager. I am not sure what does a Strategy Manager do. I am not sure that even the Strategy Manager knows what he does.

  • The facial expression. Looks constipated all the time.
  • The manner of walk. Oh yes, check out the walk. Will assume a very straight posture, as though the Taliban is breathing down their neck. It’s the walk that’s supposed to instil fear in the hearts of those who cross their path. All it does is make me laugh.
  • Steal a peek at their PC. Ninety-nine out of hundred times, they will be working on any of the following three: MS Excel sheet, Internal-software-that-puts-employees-in-trouble or a mail.
  • They eat at their desk. Always. If possible they would sleep, shit and mate at their desk as well.
  • They work on a holiday. Not because they have no life. Just so they can boast about it.
  • They fanaticise a lot. Example: The deadlines they set. They somehow believe these crazy deadlines are achievable.
  • Their brains know not what their mouth expresses. And vice versa.
  • They are selectively deaf. They pretend to not hear you when you have a problem, but are all ears when someone is blaspheming you.
  • They love to gossip.
  • They are the bullies who never grew up in school and think that the office is one big school playground.
  • Logic and managers were never meant to be.
  • They prove their worth by conducting meetings after pointless meetings. And encourage team participation by not allowing anyone to talk.
  • They are the original soap stars. They create drama around petty things like the non-availability of a drawing pin that will pierce a white board that is as fat as their pompous ass.
  • Their spoken English is best left unspoken. And they speak it all the time. Even when they know that no one is listening.
  • They have fake accents and use heavily jargonised language. They believe that aspects are proof of their intelligence. No one has proven them wrong, for no one listens anyway.
  • They have the irritating habit of speaking to you as though you are dumb. Can’t blame them. It’s difficult to look interested when they talk.
  • They are fat. The ones who are not fat in body mass are fat-headed.