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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

My name is Khan. I am not a terrorist. (Killing people with my boring movie doesn’t count)

Herd mentality can be a bad thing. You have a nagging doubt about going ahead with what the majority seems to recommend, but instead of voicing out and vehemently protesting the atrocities of having to subject to another individual’s opinion, you gulp down your insecurities and hope for the best. This is when things like My Name is Khan happen.

After proudly announcing to the world that I would not, under any circumstances, watch this movie even for free, I took the bait and paid a precious 180 bucks for this sob fest. Had I known about the ordeal I was about to go through in the next four hours (K-Jo wtf?! FOUR HOURS?!), I would have happily switched to drinking sulphuric acid from a cocktail glass while smoking up on poisonous fumes instead.

I am not going to write about the story and the director’s vile attempts to make me gouge my eyes out after every five seconds. I will, instead, write about a few observations in the movie, the glaring flaws and of course, the weather, as and when I get bored. Which is a strong possibility considering what I am writing about.

  • I do not know whether Shah Rukh Khan was acting or was just being his normal self in the movie

  • A thirteen year old boy with Asperger’s Syndrome pumps gallons of clogged water by cycling away for many tireless hours and no one even thanks him. Unless you count bragging about the boy being one’s student as appreciation

  • Is it just me or does Shah Rukh Khan look more blind than unfocussed?

  • Coherent speech be damned, our hero does his imaginary singing in perfect clarity as and when the situation demands it

  • Kajol meets Shah Rukh for the first time as she went about rescuing him from the crowd that had alighted from a bus, as they were pissed with Shah Rukh for standing in the middle of the road. Kajol then goes on to lecture Shah Rukh on the philosophy of fear. In the middle of the road. Note the absence of the crowd

  • Kajol’s heart wrenching trust in just-met-guy-on-road-a-month-ago. “Please take my son to the museum. I do not care if you have Asperger’s Syndrome and certainly have no regard for your dislike of crowded places.

  • Kajol – “Oh, you have Asperger’s Syndrome AND are jobless! My faith in love is restored! My son will finally have a father! So what if it means a whole lot of adjusting for you. This movie is not about Asperger’s Syndrome anyway.”

  • Shah Rukh, with such touching innocence, emphasises to pronounce Khan, his surname, in a way similar to the process of trying to get some phlegm out of your throat

  • Note how boy and wife call father and husband, not ‘Dad’ or ‘Rizwan’, but ‘Khhhhhh-hhhhh—hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-----hhhhhhhhhhhh---an’

  • Indian boy is killed in broad daylight, in awesomely big soccer field, and not a single soul notices this. The pleasures of murdering in a big school! *Must execute all my enemies here*

  • Kajol doesn’t apply make-up when she is accusing her husband of being a Khan, but remembers to put some on when she goes around making people aware of the case of her murdered son *sniff*

  • Shah Rukh goes backpacking through America without so much as a steady job in place, donates all his money to a fundraiser and STILL manages to travel without a hitch. Oh, and please take special note of ‘I am constantly travelling and am almost broke, but I still look bath fresh’

  • Where there is water, Shah Rukh will cycle - (scene of floods caused by Hurricane Katrina). BMC team, here is your long awaited candidate

  • Inspite of being afflicted with Asperger’s, our protagonist seems to know the A-Z of organisation when repairing a falling church (Superman, eat this!)

  • News shows anchored at BBC / PBC are aired in Hindi or Hinglish. Indians, be ashamed. People of another nationality, who do not understand the language, are willing to tune into shows where our Indian correspondents will talk in Hinglish. Maybe they really dig the English parts

  • Indian correspondent is scared of turban attracting violence in post 9/11 America, but retains beard. Is also fair-skinned, so the beard literally stands out. Is hoping that prospective attackers will ignore his reputation as a reporter, his fancy clothes and watch, and assume that he is too poor to have a shave

  • Barkha Dutt (which I keep mistyping as Bra-kha for some hilarious reason). I am not sure what the lady is doing here

  • While the US government lacks apathy, Indians come to the rescue of the people stuck in flooded church. Of course, it doesn’t matter that an actual rescue team is missing. Main hoon na!

  • President Obama look-a-like wannabe. (goes into laughter fit). He is the REAL hero. He gives a rat’s ass to all security protocols of the USA and allows the barricades holding a surprisingly behaving crowd to be opened, so that our hero can come through *standing ovation*

I watched this movie with a friend who has sworn me to secrecy for fear of being socially rejected. I don’t care about social rejection anyway. After watching My Name is Khan, you pretty much stop caring at all.


Romola said...

I GOTTA WATCH THIS MOVIE GIRL!!!! (the caps r on, on purpose)...I'm so glad u've got your hilarity down in text!

tomorrowisanotherday said...

of course if Aamir had made the flick...d film wud hv cme out differently...!!!

sushant said...

Anu by far one of the best takes u have ever written :) i was laughing my ass off. Thank you for warning me and taking one for the team :P

MINNAT said...

Sorry gal - i do not agree - it is a bollywood flick (and would have some glitches) but at the end of the day I REALLY APPRECIATE the way such a sensitive issue has been handled. Muslims across the world have got a breather and ppl are ready to trust them and take a chance once again. Americans, Saudi, Dubai, Iran, Iraq - u name it - and ul see a difference. It is really for a few ppl that other innocent muslims were suffering. If you have a muslim friend talk to him and ul get it

Garreth said...

Hahahahahaha... well, I always say - if you got conned into watching a Bollywood film, serves you right! :-D
For a brief second I considered going for it, just to "show my support". Only for a brief second. When there's a Naseeruddin Shah film play, why go for this crap?
Also, I don't fully believe there was any real confrontation... that whole thing with the SS... in the most cynical corner of my mind I wonder whether it was all a publicity stunt. It's the sort of cheap trick I wouldn't put past a politician or a Bollywood star.

Saji said...

I saw the movie yest, after i got inspired by ur post!,.. Bollywoods latest wining combination take best hollywood master pieces (Rain Man, Door to Door & Forest Gump,...) mix it nicely,.. add big money bags (SRK & Kajol) and we get a super duper Hit. Those who hv like the movie plz watch the hollywood masterpieces if ur not watched it till now,.. let MNIK be a ur hyper link to some good Movie

juhi shrivastava said...

Ani, you should be a movie critic; soon you will be a millionaire. Directors, Producers, Distributors and even Actors will pay you heavy amounts for not reviewing their movies. But I am still gonna watch it - boring or entertaining - will say only after watching it.

sheffy said...

Totally agree with you... I make it a point to watch movies on the day or week or release, and for some strange reason, through the promos I felt that we could have a good movie in hand here... Creativity and logic need not go hand-in-hand is something I've realised after watching movies, so I didn't really complain in the first half, but then I could barely manage to stay put through the second half. Each and every scene made me cringe, but I stuck through till the end... Karan Johar the producer is worth talking about, but as a director, he still hasn't changed much from his Kuch Kuch Hota Hai days... Still living in his little "fantasy land" bubble. I had to force my left brain to switch off, and towards the end, even my right brain unwillingly dozed off.
My comments notwithstanding, I'm pretty sure the movie will go on to be a roaring hit, what with star-fixation!

RAhul said...

nice actually i thnk guys like Raja Sen (rediff), Masand (cnn ibn), khalid (wherever)....and a lot more can take a lot of pointers need not use big words to write a review..rather right words....and also kudos for not going with the crowd..the only sad part is u spent 180 bucks...yikes!

ravee said...

“My name is Khan, and I am doing greater disservice to my religion than the trigger happy fanatics”….The suicidals come, blow themselves and go away end of story, but, I am urging all my brethren to quit their jobs, screw their families and embark on a PR building exercise. Sanity; be damned.