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Friday, September 3, 2010

Love in the time of management

Scene in meeting:

Boss: “We need to downgrade the bandwith to amplify our budget and augment individual productivity.”

Foreign language translator person: “We have to make do with snail speed internet connection.”

Boss: “I was talking about the length of the toilet tissues we will be using from Q4 onwards.”

Foreign language translator person: “AH.”

It’s unbelievable how people from the management, manage to communicate at all. It’s like they don’t want you to understand what they are saying. Take for example PPT sessions. The PPT was of course, meant to clarify; now that is the ideal situation. In reality, PPTs are designed to confuse – they contain words that were invented before the dictionary was, with ambiguity deeper than the Black Hole. Notice how every new slide is accompanied with faster closing of eyelids and yawns with wider circumferences. But that of course, is me, in a meeting. Other PPT viewers look like they really are loving it, but in actuality, they are planning what to wear for Monday’s job interview.

So, this had me wondering; if and when management people, ‘managed’ to take out the time to, you know, ‘procreate in the name of emotion’, which in simple human language means FCUK for the hell of it, then how do they communicate? I think their conversations may include the following:

When in the mood:
I think I need a raise

When not in the mood:
I don't think I have the bandwidth to touch base*

When complimenting:
You have exceeded my expectations

When reprimanding for being too fast or too slow:
This is not professional behaviour

When discussing ways to innovate:
Maybe I should work on improving my skill sets*

When directing the other person through a ‘maneuver’:
The position has to be directly / inversely proportional to the upward swing of the graph

When making silly jokes (after above dialogue):
What graph?

And most important of all, when playing safe:
Pull your socks up

Now, try not to laugh the next time your manager uses one of the above phrases, or else you may get ‘fired’!

*Susanna Athaide's contribution


[ :) said...

i want to share this on FB!!!

Anita said...

Please go ahead!!!