Five things that every client wants

Anyone with a brain has, at some time in his or her life, stopped to think, “Why Am I Here?” or “What is My Purpose In Life?”

I haven’t arrived at those moments yet. Perhaps it could be so, because I do not have a brain. But that is a story for another day.

However, the even more baffling question that has plagued me and the rest of the world is this – What The Hell Do Clients Want?

What? WHAT????

After much deliberation, I have come up with a few plausible discoveries that could perhaps, in a trivial way, satisfactorily answer this question. Hence, according to me, these are few of the simple requirements they seek, and the origin of these humble requests:

1. When the dinosaur was born and man saw the dinosaur, he was impressed with the beast’s size. That impression stayed on his mind, just like the tail bone stayed in the ass. This is the reason why clients demand everything DINOSAUR SIZE – Dinosaur Size Logos, Dinosaur Size Fonts, Dinosaur Size Images etc.
   
   
2. When some people dope and get high, they claim to see shades of new colours, the kind they have never seen before. Clients demand THOSE EXACT KIND OF SHADES in their web pages/ ads. They want the target audience to get an awesome high every time they see the website / ad; perhaps even lose consciousness once in a while out of sheer amazement. Now you know why most people look doped half the time!
   
   
3. Most clients are ancestors of Karan Johar. Why, you ask? Well, because for the client, it’s all about loving your parents / family. So when they get some work from you, they want the opinion of every Tom, Dick and Harry they know since the day they were born, and they make sure that no one is left out. After all, sharing is caring.
   
   
4. Most of the clients started working the day they were born. As such, they never really had the chance to play indoors, much less outdoors. During school hours, they would moronically stare at the slide in the playground, wondering about its amazing technology, but never really having the time to actually partake in its fun. Now you know why they will not accept less than 80 slides in every Microsoft Office PowerPoint Presentation.
   
   
5. “No man is an island.” Someone in the corporate world took this proverb quite literally and decided that if anything that needs to be done, should be done together. Hence clients love meetings; it doesn’t matter that everyone likes to think that they are lazing on ‘an island’, lulled to sleep by the soothing monotone of the informative presentation / topic; as long we have a meeting room and there are people are in it, the world will survive!
   

Now that you know what clients want, you can stay rest assured that your clients will be very happy with you as long as you ensure that all your work is produced in Dinosaur Sizes, sports a mess of many colours, where every feature is elaborated upon in a PowerPoint Slide, which is presented in a lengthy meeting.

Now for those of you who love mathematics or just like feeling intelligent by seeing mathematical calculations, here’s a disturbing question:

Clients = Do not know what they want
Female = Doesn’t know what she wants
Hence Female = Client
Hence Female Client =?

Well, I am a woman. How am I supposed to know? :P

The best to NOT happen to mankind: Human Resources

The job of a coal miner. So dangerous. Exhausting. Risk driven. Fatal even.

Obviously an HR person doesn’t think so.

Welcome to undeniably the most feared department of any organisation – The Human Resources Team. If ‘you’* do not tread carefully here, you will be minced into tiny shreds of unrecognisable flesh. *Here, ‘you’ is the gullible employee.

Anyone worth his coffee has wondered, mostly on a daily basis, about the purpose of an HR department. The upper management on the other hand, of course, sips into premium blends of varied concoctions (very expensive water), hires an HR Team and never wonders about its whereabouts again (Unless they want to do something evil, in which case they call everyone for a meeting, which, in my opinion, is the third most evil weapon ever devised by mankind).

I really don’t need to dwell into how notoriously diligent an HR person is. What I would rather do is list down the occurrences that you will NEVER find in a HR department.

1. An HR person doing work
Remember how you had requested for your appraisal confirmation papers many many many years ago? And remember how you got married, gave birth to fifteen children, got them married off too, and yet, your appraisal papers have never graced your eyesight?

2. An HR person caring about you
Remember how the HR person told you that he is very sorry that you are not being recognised for your proactive efforts and commendable performance? Well you don’t remember any such thing, simply because it never happened.

3. An HR person ensuring that you get a good promotion
Remember how you got promoted? Yes, a good memory can be a bad thing.

4. An HR person who really doesn’t care about timesheets
I really don’t know how many hours have been clocked in which section and why. Which is why I opine that timesheets are the second most evil weapon to be invented by mankind. Of course we all lie about the hours, because no sane person can keep track. Unless he is an HR person. In which case, the following happens:

You: “Gee, I was working so hard, I just couldn’t keep track of the time.”

HR: “This is a clear evidence of laxity in time management and disability to remember under pressure.”

You: “What? It’s a trivial timesheet!”

HR: “Subject also shows signs of disrespect to uninformative excel sheets.”

You: *FML.*

5. An HR person not paying attention to trivial matters such as dress code
So you wore a bright orange tent-like shirt coupled with latex green coloured pants. Now here, sane people chose to ignore you as much as they can. An HR person, on the other hand, braves the possibility of losing eyesight owing to the bright glare from your attire. He instead goes a step further, calls you for a one-on-one meeting* and mentions exactly why your superior calibre and awe-inspiring leadership skills can totally be ignored in a performance review due to the colourful mess that you have adorned on your being.

*One-on-one meeting in a room alone with HR person solely doing the talking tops the list in the ultimate torture to be unleashed on the unsuspecting.

6. An HR person not ignoring your mails
You receive mails about every unrelated-to-you news in the world such as the following:

• Happy birthday to our new joinee, Mumbo Jumbo.
• Mumbo Jumbo completes 3 days
• Mumbo Jumbo got married
• Mumbo Jumbo now has quadruplets
• Mumbo Jumbo grew new hair on his ears

Ok, so maybe I went overboard there. But remember how you sent a million mails to the HR department about an XYZ issue, which magically did a Matrix-like stunt in avoiding their attention? And yet, you regularly receive updates about Mumbo Jumbo and his experiences at office and random things growing out of his earlobes.

In my entire life (till date), I am yet to come across an HR person who actually does what he is recruited to do: make life simpler for the employees. Not that I can boast of having come across many HR people, as I try all means to avoid any form of contact with anyone who works in this department. As it turns out, that would be a futile attempt for me, as the HR department excels in avoidance therapy as and when it suits them.

And this very avoidance therapy is what I am hoping will save my life if any HR person happens to read this post :P