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Monday, April 25, 2011

Five things that every client wants

Anyone with a brain has, at some time in his or her life, stopped to think, “Why Am I Here?” or “What is My Purpose In Life?”

I haven’t arrived at those moments yet. Perhaps it could be so, because I do not have a brain. But that is a story for another day.

However, the even more baffling question that has plagued me and the rest of the world is this – What The Hell Do Clients Want?

What? WHAT????

After much deliberation, I have come up with a few plausible discoveries that could perhaps, in a trivial way, satisfactorily answer this question. Hence, according to me, these are few of the simple requirements they seek, and the origin of these humble requests:
  1. When the dinosaur was born and man saw the dinosaur, he was impressed with the beast’s size. That impression stayed on his mind, just like the tail bone stayed in the ass. This is the reason why clients demand everything DINOSAUR SIZE – Dinosaur Size Logos, Dinosaur Size Fonts, Dinosaur Size Images etc.

  2. When some people dope and get high, they claim to see shades of new colours, the kind they have never seen before. Clients demand THOSE EXACT KIND OF SHADES in their web pages/ ads. They want the target audience to get an awesome high every time they see the website / ad; perhaps even lose consciousness once in a while out of sheer amazement. Now you know why most people look doped half the time!

  3. Most clients are ancestors of Karan Johar. Why, you ask? Well, because for the client, it’s all about loving your parents / family. So when they get some work from you, they want the opinion of every Tom, Dick and Harry they know since the day they were born, and they make sure that no one is left out. After all, sharing is caring.

  4. Most of the clients started working the day they were born. As such, they never really had the chance to play indoors, much less outdoors. During school hours, they would moronically stare at the slide in the playground, wondering about its amazing technology, but never really having the time to actually partake in its fun. Now you know why they will not accept less than 80 slides in every Microsoft Office PowerPoint Presentation.

  5. “No man is an island.” Someone in the corporate world took this proverb quite literally and decided that if anything that needs to be done, should be done together. Hence clients love meetings; it doesn’t matter that everyone likes to think that they are lazing on ‘an island’, lulled to sleep by the soothing monotone of the informative presentation / topic; as long we have a meeting room and there are people are in it, the world will survive!
Now that you know what clients want, you can stay rest assured that your clients will be very happy with you as long as you ensure that all your work is produced in Dinosaur Sizes, sports a mess of many colours, where every feature is elaborated upon in a PowerPoint Slide, which is presented in a lengthy meeting.

Now for those of you who love mathematics or just like feeling intelligent by seeing mathematical calculations, here’s a disturbing question:

Clients = Do not know what they want
Female = Doesn’t know what she wants
Hence Female = Client
Hence Female Client =?

Well, I am a woman. How am I supposed to know? :P


Shilpa said...

I know who inspired you ;-)

Romola said...

I didn't know the list could be limited to 5 things :)
Waiting for your post on the absence of your brain.
Keep us in good humor. God will bless u...ALWAYS!

Rahul said...

Female client=One who waits till the sack gets empty, so that she is left with options to pick.....

sheffy said...

Client=Female... I could agree with totally... But the mathematical continuity which leads to Female Client... Well?? Aryabhatta would have been bamboozled with that equation Mrs Rane Ajnikar...

drifting snow said...

nice entry ...really can relate this stuff :) However, did find a typo "that you clients" should be "your" instead. I know cause I do make the same mistake. Keep writing :)

Pushkaraj Shirke said...

ha ha ha ha ha... epic shit this: Clients = Do not know what they want
Female = Doesn’t know what she wants
Hence Female = Client
Hence Female Client =?

Well I am a woman. How am I supposed to know? :P

brutal honesty ;)

Anita said...

@Drifting snow: thank you so much for pointing out the typo!

@Pushkaraj: thankies muchies! :)

cyril said...

quite an interesting piece...engaging, clean and crisp! enjoyed it :)


Cyril Kirian