Mirror Mirror on the wall, who has the lowest self esteem of them all?

Everyone is obsessed about the way they look, and everyone wants to look the best. As such, self esteem is the cheapest item you can find these days.

Here’s how you can earn millions by creating delusions of low self esteem and tell the most beautiful person in the world about how they are, well, not beautiful.

Self-esteem hunter: Wow, you have lovely eyes!

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: Why, thank you!

Self-esteem hunter: If only you had worn this raccoon-like eyelash enhancing product.

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: What would I need that for?

Self-esteem hunter: You have great eyes, mind you, but do curtains fly every time you flutter your eyelashes?

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: Why should curtains fly?

Self-esteem hunter: Because raccoon-like eyelash enhancing product gives you great eyelashes.

So-called beauty not wearing makeup: Oh! Give now!

See? It’s THAT easy.

People will buy anything that comes in the form of a fancy bottle, with a difficult-to-pronounce name, providing some outrageous miracles that will occur post usage. Now that I mentioned it, there happens to exist a exciting and budding career option in this field:

The Miracle Product Line Writer
Job Description: Write sophisticated lines, none of which are the truth, or even related to the product or the user.

Example: Gardener Shampoo and Conditioner

"Concocted with special, exotic herbs, your hair will outshine the brightest diamond and redefine physics and geometry with the perfect way your hair straightens itself out IMMEDIATELY after you have towel dried it. It also gives you the liberty to have toe-length hair in one advertisement and ear-length hair in another!"

The perks in this field are high and rewarding, what with three miracle makers being born every second, in the harried attempt to improve every organ of your body, its good health notwithstanding.

Speaking of good health, (as much as I wish to avoid this particular topic), I am forced to bring to mind the illusion of being fat when actually one is pencil thin:

62 kg woman (may be slightly overweight for her 5 inch 3 foot height): Hi sweetheart!

23 kg woman (is grossly underweight for her 5 inch 5 feet height): Do not talk to me, I am fat!

62 kg woman (may be slightly overweight for her 5 inch 3 foot height): *FML*

Every woman does obsess about her weight, true. But there is healthy obsession and then there is the illogical logic that makes me want to pull out every nail, dip it in my eye, then swallow the nail whole, washed down by the purest form of undiluted sulphuric acid.

Here’s how you can tell a painfully thin person that she needs to lose weight, and FAST.

Self-esteem hunter: Wow, what lovely legs you have!

Stick-thin person: Oh thank you!

Self-esteem hunter: If only you could show them off in these ultra-slim, skin-fit, bone-hugging jeans!

Stick-thin person: Why not, here, let me try them!


(Two hours later)


Stick-thin person: *Sob sob*. These jeans do not fit me!!

Self-esteem hunter: WHAT? The ultra-slim, skin-fit, bone-hugging jeans that was originally made for the frame of a 5-year old, do not FIT you?? The horror!! Stop drinking water girl! You have put on weight!

Stick-thin person: (gasps) I am fat!! I am doomed!! I am fat!!

Now thin people who think they are fat, can surely lose all their ‘fatness’, which merely involves peeling off whatever little flesh is left on their bony frame. That way, they won’t be fat no more! But how does one solve the itching ugliness that is threatening to creep out of our darker-than-the darkest-hour skins?

HOW?

Worry not, my gullible friend with no value for your own self esteem. The miracle makers have solved this problem too.

Got an upcoming pageant to participate in? Never mind that you have a perfect body, amazing features, a lovely personality and flawless skin. If you aren’t fairer than blinding light, then you stand no chance of landing any job other than scraping the dirt off your own impeccable nails.

Have been called to a hotshot company for a new job? The interview that you are attending requires you to be a fair, handsome, girl-like man. Preferably with pink lips. The MBA and PHD can rot in hell for all we care.

The all-knowing, omnipotent fairness cream. Fulfils your dreams. Changes the way world looks at you. Which is pretty much bound to happen, since your face is unusually fairer than the rest of your body.

Now cannot-be-seen-in-the-night sort of dark skinned people may have some logical use for the fairness cream. What makes me want to continue the aforementioned sulphuric acid fiasco and add some nitrous oxide to it is the fact that the fair skinned are the target audience for this segment. Stupid? Well not if you have low self esteem people around you.

Self-esteem hunter: Oh my, aren’t you Miss Snow White reincarnate?

Miss Snow White: I AM Snow White.

Self-esteem hunter: Oh well, surely you cannot be THE Snow White!

Miss Snow White: WHAT? Why not?

Self-esteem hunter: Look at those invisible blemishes! And those aging eyes! And the microscopic lines on your forehead! Surely you are not ignoring your own fading beauty Miss Snow White, are you now?

Miss Snow White: Fading beauty? I am 20 years old!!!

Self-esteem hunter: And wouldn’t you like to stay twenty forever?

Miss Snow White: (hopefully) CAN I??!!

Self-esteem hunter: Why yes, dear!

How can beauty be skin deep, when your skin is barely there, hidden under all those multi-layers of make-up and miracle creams?

Damned if I know.

Mail Tales

Dear Sir,

As I am getting my kidney operated the following month, I would like to apply for the leave in advance. Please sanction my leave from June 17 to June 30.

Kindly grant me the approval at the earliest.

Thanks and Regards,
Tanmay

Re:
Dear Tanmay,

Our client from the USA is coming down next month to meet us. The date is not fixed yet. Unfortunately, your kidneys would have to hold on till then. Please take your medications and drink plenty of water. Maybe this would help?

Best regards,
Mr Rao

Re: Re:
Hi Sir,

I am not in the position to postpone the operation. My kidneys are on the brink of collapse and an immediate operation is required.

Please consider the sensitivity of the situation and grant me the leaves.

Regards,
Tanmay

Re: Re: Re:
Hi Tanmay,

You must understand that for a client to come down from another country to our office is surely a big deal?! You should have informed me earlier that your kidneys were not in working condition.

Regards,
Mr Rao.


Re: Re: Re: Re:
Sir,
I am sorry my kidneys failed to match upto your expectations. While my heart is worried that this may affect my appraisal, my kidneys surely cannot withstand the pressure. Please grant me my leaves.

I may die!

Regards,
Tanmay

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
Tanmay,

You have signed a contract of three years and are expected to fulfil every clause in it, one of which involves your presence during this entire period.

Also, since you are the project manager, you are expected to handle all client interactions.

Please request your kidneys to be a little cooperative.

Regards,
Mr Rao


Later in the week.

Dear all,

With deep regret, we inform you that the client couldn’t make it to the ‘have nothing else to do on a week day’ meeting today.

However, the management picnic will not be postponed.

Please note that work continues as is for the rest of the team.

Regards,
Mr Rao


Re: Re:
Dear Sir,

Request you to please sanction my leaves now that the meeting is postponed.

Regards,
Tanmay

Re: Re: Re:
Dear Tanmay,

You have taken undue advantage of my leniency and patience. Please go on and take your leaves.

Note that they will be unpaid leaves.

Thanks.
Mr Rao



Much later in the week.


Dear all,

Since Mr Rathod has arrogantly gone on an unpaid leave and left us in a lurch, we will have to further postpone the client’s ‘can we meet for effective time wastage’ meeting today.

However, our management picnic, which was cancelled last week due to the worry over Tanmay’s absence, will be scheduled for the forthcoming weekend. We should not postpone fun because someone’s kidneys refuse to function for whatsoever reason.

However, for the rest of you, work will continue as is, picnic notwithstanding.

Cheers,
Mr Rao

Careers in Advertising: Defining the actual job descriptions

Head of Agency: Ability to treat all clients as long lost relatives.

Brand Manager: Should be able to bullshit the client and the team.

Client Servicing: Must know how to say yes all the time.

Copywriter: Should have the knack of saying no.

Art: Should assume that no one understands them.

Client: Must multi-task between assuming, refusing and confusing.

A day in advertising

Client: I want three options delivered on this in half an hour.

Brand Manager: It’s not possible, but we can try.

Client Servicing: We have a brief. It’s just a 15-minute job.

Copywriter: Tell the bitch I do not work here. So my opinion obviously doesn’t matter.

Art team: This is against my artistic principles.

Client Servicing: Everyone hates me.

Head of Agency: Tell them to do it in one hour.

Brand Manager: Half an hour is all you got.

Client Servicing: The team is working on it.

Client: I think I don’t want that copy anymore.

Love in the time of management

Scene in meeting:

Boss: “We need to downgrade the bandwith to amplify our budget and augment individual productivity.”

Foreign language translator person: “We have to make do with snail speed internet connection.”

Boss: “I was talking about the length of the toilet tissues we will be using from Q4 onwards.”

Foreign language translator person: “AH.”

It’s unbelievable how people from the management, manage to communicate at all. It’s like they don’t want you to understand what they are saying. Take for example PPT sessions. The PPT was of course, meant to clarify; now that is the ideal situation. In reality, PPTs are designed to confuse – they contain words that were invented before the dictionary was, with ambiguity deeper than the Black Hole. Notice how every new slide is accompanied with faster closing of eyelids and yawns with wider circumferences. But that of course, is me, in a meeting. Other PPT viewers look like they really are loving it, but in actuality, they are planning what to wear for Monday’s job interview.

So, this had me wondering; if and when management people, ‘managed’ to take out the time to, you know, ‘procreate in the name of emotion’, which in simple human language means FCUK for the hell of it, then how do they communicate? I think their conversations may include the following:

When in the mood:
I think I need a raise

When not in the mood:
I don't think I have the bandwidth to touch base*

When complimenting:
You have exceeded my expectations

When reprimanding for being too fast or too slow:
This is not professional behaviour

When discussing ways to innovate:
Maybe I should work on improving my skill sets*

When directing the other person through a ‘maneuver’:
The position has to be directly / inversely proportional to the upward swing of the graph

When making silly jokes (after above dialogue):
What graph?

And most important of all, when playing safe:
Pull your socks up

Now, try not to laugh the next time your manager uses one of the above phrases, or else you may get ‘fired’!

*Susanna Athaide's contribution

Let's talk.

Conversations. Everyone loves conversations.

Especially if it’s about themselves.

You want to tell your friend about how you tripped the other day and almost broke your hip. However, even before you reach the part where you tripped, BANG! She will think of an incident, where, she too almost broke an organ. So what if it’s just a fingernail that broke? It’s SOMETHING! At this point, you are taken back to your memories of watching the American Pie movies, with Michelle and her “This one time, at band camp” instances which are more boring to hear than it is to hear an HR personnel speak about human kindness.

You never finish your conversation, but you know all about your friend’s broken nail and the exact measurement of ointment used to ensure a speedy growth too. You could probably write a thesis on it, which would be titled, “Nailing it. Not.”

Here is an example:

A: So, today I embarrassed myself in front of my boss

B: Wow, what happened?

A: Well, my boss sends me a mail which I had to reply to, and I punched in the wrong email id, hence mailed a non-existing id and....

B: I know!! That happened to me too! I mean it was just so weird you know!

A: Wait, I didn’t...

B: So what happens is, I am mailing this funny mail to my friend at work...and it gets forwarded to the boss! Like what are the odds of that happening?!

A: Er....

B: I know!!! Anyway, so this boss calls me in, and guess what? (doesn’t allow other person time to guess) She LOVED the mail!!! Isn’t that the coolest thing ever! I thought I was so getting fired today!

A: But....

B: I know!!!! She even told me to include her in my mailing list next time onwards! I hope this gets me promoted!

A: You don’t.....

B: I know!!!!

And some other times, the Conversation Stealers talk about things that are not even related to the topic at large, small or whatever.

Here’s an example:

A: Hey, so I was walking my dog and this weird looking thing bit him and now he is unwell

B: What bit him?

A: Looked like a bug....don’t know...I think....

B: Must have been a shark bug

A: Huh?

B: Dude, did you see the way those sharks bit Joe in that movie? So I was seeing this awesome movie on cable that day.....is called ‘Shark or What!’ Is a funny movie...and has this scene where this shark bites the main character named Joe and it gives him this ugly scar! And you know what he goes around telling people? That he fought a lion! I mean is that funny or what?!

A: I....

B: No! It’s Shark or What!! HAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Someday. These people will be &^%$#^&*@!%^$%$^#@^&$#@. Someday.

When boredom strikes

Have you ever noticed that most of the things we do during our sessions of boredom are activities of pure genius?

Here’s a list.

• Making funny faces: There is a potential stand up comedian / clown hiding in each of us
  
  
• Inventing new games: You think Twister was invented when someone saw coloured dots after he fell down the stairs? I hope not
  
  
• Writing comics: As much as all our famous cartoonists would probably deny, all their creations have stemmed out of sheer, extreme boredom
  
  
• Practising scenes from movies: What other valid reason for theatre anyway!
  
  
• Staring at a fly on the wall: The fly population owes boredom one
  
  
• Shadow talking: If only they could talk back to us. (Source of inspiration for most horror films)
  
  
• Thinking up ways of Armageddon and how we will save the world: (Steven Spielberg and James Cameron were at the moment-to-kill-self-due-to-boredom before their phenomenal movie scripts took birth)
  
  
• The way we would die: (EVERYONE has outplayed this scene in their imagination, for countless number of times. Movie Directors are lucky to get other people act it out for them)
  
  
• This blog: (What! Why are you reading this then? Cos you’re bored? Refer to Line 1 :P)