Karthik calling Karthik

The much awaited movie, Karthik calling Karthik, is generating its fair share of publicity. So I decided to join the bandwagon and contribute – for free, mind you. Farhan darling, you owe me one.

So I am speculating. What could this movie be about? Here’s what I think. Karthik (Farhan) is wooing Lambi (my assumed name for Deepika) and they like each other and all that jazz.

Moving on to the main plot:

Lambi and her miniature genius are having a whale of time. However, as all famous couples of Bollywood movies, they come across a major hurdle that threatens the very core of their rock solid relationship (yeh Fevicol ka jod nahi hai?! Saala duplicate maal!). Things happen, people die, a bridge collapses somewhere in the world and Lambi announces that she is bored of her hair now and cannot tolerate Farhan’s good hair days anymore. (Adhuna Akhtar, you’re so sacked) People do get bored you know. Farhan pretends to not notice and continues singing songs while Lambi fumes in a corner. The movie is pretty boring until THE CALL.

Conversation

Caller: Hi, is this Karthik?

Karthik: Yeah, this is Karthik, who’s this?

Caller: Yeah, this is Karthik.

Karthik: Yeah, this is Karthik, who’s this?

Caller: Yeah, this is Karthik.

Karthik: I just told you, this is Karthik. Who the hell are you man?

Caller: Dude, this is Karthik. What’s wrong with YOU man?

Karthik: Why you little prick….

Caller: Dude, its Karthik.

Karthik: YEAH. THIS IS KARTHIK!!!!! WHO THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?????

Caller: THIS IS KARTHIK!!!!!

Karthik: Dude, just stop repeating what I say or I will cut your….

Caller: THIS IS KARTHIK!!!!!

Karthik: YEAH THIS IS KARTHIK!!!! JUST WHO THE #*^% are you?????????

Caller: Karthik!!!!!

Karthik: WHAT!!!!?????

Caller: WHAT what?

Karthik: YOU piece of….(Suddenly there is a cross connection…and both idiots hear Lambi giggling on the phone)

Caller: What the fu…

Karthik: SHHH!!! This is my girl's voice. Listen to what she is saying….

Lambi: Can you believe it sweetheart? Those dimwits are not getting beyond their own name….so damn funny….I KNOW!!!! Khee kheee kheee giggle giggle….(silence)….oooooh yes let’s do that baby….meet me in an hour…..yeah Tanya I will be on time….muahhhssssss (air kissing sounds)

Lambi’s line goes dead.

Silence.

Caller: Karthik?

Karthik: Don’t start that shit again……

Caller: Dude, my girl’s name is Tanya.

BOTH: SON OF A BITCH!!!!!

I am SO waiting to see whose version is better :D

My name is Khan. I am not a terrorist. (Killing people with my boring movie doesn’t count)

Herd mentality can be a bad thing. You have a nagging doubt about going ahead with what the majority seems to recommend, but instead of voicing out and vehemently protesting the atrocities of having to subject to another individual’s opinion, you gulp down your insecurities and hope for the best. This is when things like My Name is Khan happen.

After proudly announcing to the world that I would not, under any circumstances, watch this movie even for free, I took the bait and paid a precious 180 bucks for this sob fest. Had I known about the ordeal I was about to go through in the next four hours (K-Jo wtf?! FOUR HOURS?!), I would have happily switched to drinking sulphuric acid from a cocktail glass while smoking up on poisonous fumes instead.

I am not going to write about the story and the director’s vile attempts to make me gouge my eyes out after every five seconds. I will, instead, write about a few observations in the movie, the glaring flaws and of course, the weather, as and when I get bored. Which is a strong possibility considering what I am writing about.

• I do not know whether Shah Rukh Khan was acting or was just being his normal self in the movie
  
  
• A thirteen year old boy with Asperger’s Syndrome pumps gallons of clogged water by cycling away for many tireless hours and no one even thanks him. Unless you count bragging about the boy being one’s student as appreciation
  
  
• Is it just me or does Shah Rukh Khan look more blind than unfocussed?
  
  
• Coherent speech be damned, our hero does his imaginary singing in perfect clarity as and when the situation demands it
  
  
• Kajol meets Shah Rukh for the first time as she went about rescuing him from the crowd that had alighted from a bus, as they were pissed with Shah Rukh for standing in the middle of the road. Kajol then goes on to lecture Shah Rukh on the philosophy of fear. In the middle of the road. Note the absence of the crowd
  
  
• Kajol’s heart wrenching trust in just-met-guy-on-road-a-month-ago. “Please take my son to the museum. I do not care if you have Asperger’s Syndrome and certainly have no regard for your dislike of crowded places.”
  
  
• Kajol – “Oh, you have Asperger’s Syndrome AND are jobless! My faith in love is restored! My son will finally have a father! So what if it means a whole lot of adjusting for you. This movie is not about Asperger’s Syndrome anyway.”
  
  
• Shah Rukh, with such touching innocence, emphasises to pronounce Khan, his surname, in a way similar to the process of trying to get some phlegm out of your throat
  
  
• Note how boy and wife call father and husband, not ‘Dad’ or ‘Rizwan’, but ‘Khhhhhh-hhhhh—hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-----hhhhhhhhhhhh---an’
  
  
• Indian boy is killed in broad daylight, in awesomely big soccer field, and not a single soul notices this. The pleasures of murdering in a big school! *Must execute all my enemies here*
  
  
• Kajol doesn’t apply make-up when she is accusing her husband of being a Khan, but remembers to put some on when she goes around making people aware of the case of her murdered son *sniff*
  
  
• Shah Rukh goes backpacking through America without so much as a steady job in place, donates all his money to a fundraiser and STILL manages to travel without a hitch. Oh, and please take special note of ‘I am constantly travelling and am almost broke, but I still look bath fresh’
  
  
• Where there is water, Shah Rukh will cycle - (scene of floods caused by Hurricane Katrina). BMC team, here is your long awaited candidate
  
  
• Inspite of being afflicted with Asperger’s, our protagonist seems to know the A-Z of organisation when repairing a falling church (Superman, eat this!)
  
  
• News shows anchored at BBC / PBC are aired in Hindi or Hinglish. Indians, be ashamed. People of another nationality, who do not understand the language, are willing to tune into shows where our Indian correspondents will talk in Hinglish. Maybe they really dig the English parts
  
  
• Indian correspondent is scared of turban attracting violence in post 9/11 America, but retains beard. Is also fair-skinned, so the beard literally stands out. Is hoping that prospective attackers will ignore his reputation as a reporter, his fancy clothes and watch, and assume that he is too poor to have a shave
  
  
• Barkha Dutt (which I keep mistyping as Bra-kha for some hilarious reason). I am not sure what the lady is doing here
  
  
• While the US government lacks apathy, Indians come to the rescue of the people stuck in flooded church. Of course, it doesn’t matter that an actual rescue team is missing. Main hoon na!
  
  
• President Obama look-a-like wannabe. (goes into laughter fit). He is the REAL hero. He gives a rat’s ass to all security protocols of the USA and allows the barricades holding a surprisingly behaving crowd to be opened, so that our hero can come through *standing ovation*

I watched this movie with a friend who has sworn me to secrecy for fear of being socially rejected. I don’t care about social rejection anyway. After watching My Name is Khan, you pretty much stop caring at all.

One-liner truths

In all fairness is an insult for the dark-skinned

This meeting room is good for my sleep cycles

Look! A good manager!!! Hahahahaa! Gotcha!

I don’t participate during a meeting? Who is doing all the yawning?

My feelings are no match to your lack of ability to feel anything

Suppose you die.

The boss is angry with me. Maybe it was the 24-page long report that he requested for. Last year.

See? I TOLD you he would sell your report to the ‘save-paper-for-chanawallas’ foundation