Head of Agency: Ability to treat all clients as long lost relatives.
Brand Manager: Should be able to bullshit the client and the team.
Client Servicing: Must know how to say yes all the time.
Copywriter: Should have the knack of saying no.
Art: Should assume that no one understands them.
Client: Must multi-task between assuming, refusing and confusing.
Monday, September 20, 2010
A day in advertising
Client: I want three options delivered on this in half an hour.
Brand Manager: It’s not possible, but we can try.
Client Servicing: We have a brief. It’s just a 15-minute job.
Copywriter: Tell the bitch I do not work here. So my opinion obviously doesn’t matter.
Art team: This is against my artistic principles.
Client Servicing: Everyone hates me.
Head of Agency: Tell them to do it in one hour.
Brand Manager: Half an hour is all you got.
Client Servicing: The team is working on it.
Client: I think I don’t want that copy anymore.
Brand Manager: It’s not possible, but we can try.
Client Servicing: We have a brief. It’s just a 15-minute job.
Copywriter: Tell the bitch I do not work here. So my opinion obviously doesn’t matter.
Art team: This is against my artistic principles.
Client Servicing: Everyone hates me.
Head of Agency: Tell them to do it in one hour.
Brand Manager: Half an hour is all you got.
Client Servicing: The team is working on it.
Client: I think I don’t want that copy anymore.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Love in the time of management
Scene in meeting:
Boss: “We need to downgrade the bandwith to amplify our budget and augment individual productivity.”
Foreign language translator person: “We have to make do with snail speed internet connection.”
Boss: “I was talking about the length of the toilet tissues we will be using from Q4 onwards.”
Foreign language translator person: “AH.”
It’s unbelievable how people from the management, manage to communicate at all. It’s like they don’t want you to understand what they are saying. Take for example PPT sessions. The PPT was of course, meant to clarify; now that is the ideal situation. In reality, PPTs are designed to confuse – they contain words that were invented before the dictionary was, with ambiguity deeper than the Black Hole. Notice how every new slide is accompanied with faster closing of eyelids and yawns with wider circumferences. But that of course, is me, in a meeting. Other PPT viewers look like they really are loving it, but in actuality, they are planning what to wear for Monday’s job interview.
So, this had me wondering; if and when management people, ‘managed’ to take out the time to, you know, ‘procreate in the name of emotion’, which in simple human language means FCUK for the hell of it, then how do they communicate? I think their conversations may include the following:
When in the mood:
I think I need a raise
When not in the mood:
I don't think I have the bandwidth to touch base*
When complimenting:
You have exceeded my expectations
When reprimanding for being too fast or too slow:
This is not professional behaviour
When discussing ways to innovate:
Maybe I should work on improving my skill sets*
When directing the other person through a ‘maneuver’:
The position has to be directly / inversely proportional to the upward swing of the graph
When making silly jokes (after above dialogue):
What graph?
And most important of all, when playing safe:
Pull your socks up
Now, try not to laugh the next time your manager uses one of the above phrases, or else you may get ‘fired’!
*Susanna Athaide's contribution
Boss: “We need to downgrade the bandwith to amplify our budget and augment individual productivity.”
Foreign language translator person: “We have to make do with snail speed internet connection.”
Boss: “I was talking about the length of the toilet tissues we will be using from Q4 onwards.”
Foreign language translator person: “AH.”
It’s unbelievable how people from the management, manage to communicate at all. It’s like they don’t want you to understand what they are saying. Take for example PPT sessions. The PPT was of course, meant to clarify; now that is the ideal situation. In reality, PPTs are designed to confuse – they contain words that were invented before the dictionary was, with ambiguity deeper than the Black Hole. Notice how every new slide is accompanied with faster closing of eyelids and yawns with wider circumferences. But that of course, is me, in a meeting. Other PPT viewers look like they really are loving it, but in actuality, they are planning what to wear for Monday’s job interview.
So, this had me wondering; if and when management people, ‘managed’ to take out the time to, you know, ‘procreate in the name of emotion’, which in simple human language means FCUK for the hell of it, then how do they communicate? I think their conversations may include the following:
When in the mood:
I think I need a raise
When not in the mood:
I don't think I have the bandwidth to touch base*
When complimenting:
You have exceeded my expectations
When reprimanding for being too fast or too slow:
This is not professional behaviour
When discussing ways to innovate:
Maybe I should work on improving my skill sets*
When directing the other person through a ‘maneuver’:
The position has to be directly / inversely proportional to the upward swing of the graph
When making silly jokes (after above dialogue):
What graph?
And most important of all, when playing safe:
Pull your socks up
Now, try not to laugh the next time your manager uses one of the above phrases, or else you may get ‘fired’!
*Susanna Athaide's contribution
Friday, July 23, 2010
Let's talk.
Conversations. Everyone loves conversations.
Especially if it’s about themselves.
You want to tell your friend about how you tripped the other day and almost broke your hip. However, even before you reach the part where you tripped, BANG! She will think of an incident, where, she too almost broke an organ. So what if it’s just a fingernail that broke? It’s SOMETHING! At this point, you are taken back to your memories of watching the American Pie movies, with Michelle and her “This one time, at band camp” instances which are more boring to hear than it is to hear an HR personnel speak about human kindness.
You never finish your conversation, but you know all about your friend’s broken nail and the exact measurement of ointment used to ensure a speedy growth too. You could probably write a thesis on it, which would be titled, “Nailing it. Not.”
Here is an example:
A: So, today I embarrassed myself in front of my boss
B: Wow, what happened?
A: Well, my boss sends me a mail which I had to reply to, and I punched in the wrong email id, hence mailed a non-existing id and....
B: I know!! That happened to me too! I mean it was just so weird you know!
A: Wait, I didn’t...
B: So what happens is, I am mailing this funny mail to my friend at work...and it gets forwarded to the boss! Like what are the odds of that happening?!
A: Er....
B: I know!!! Anyway, so this boss calls me in, and guess what? (doesn’t allow other person time to guess) She LOVED the mail!!! Isn’t that the coolest thing ever! I thought I was so getting fired today!
A: But....
B: I know!!!! She even told me to include her in my mailing list next time onwards! I hope this gets me promoted!
A: You don’t.....
B: I know!!!!
And some other times, the Conversation Stealers talk about things that are not even related to the topic at large, small or whatever.
Here’s an example:
A: Hey, so I was walking my dog and this weird looking thing bit him and now he is unwell
B: What bit him?
A: Looked like a bug....don’t know...I think....
B: Must have been a shark bug
A: Huh?
B: Dude, did you see the way those sharks bit Joe in that movie? So I was seeing this awesome movie on cable that day.....is called ‘Shark or What!’ Is a funny movie...and has this scene where this shark bites the main character named Joe and it gives him this ugly scar! And you know what he goes around telling people? That he fought a lion! I mean is that funny or what?!
A: I....
B: No! It’s Shark or What!! HAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Someday. These people will be &^%$#^&*@!%^$%$^#@^&$#@. Someday.
Especially if it’s about themselves.
You want to tell your friend about how you tripped the other day and almost broke your hip. However, even before you reach the part where you tripped, BANG! She will think of an incident, where, she too almost broke an organ. So what if it’s just a fingernail that broke? It’s SOMETHING! At this point, you are taken back to your memories of watching the American Pie movies, with Michelle and her “This one time, at band camp” instances which are more boring to hear than it is to hear an HR personnel speak about human kindness.
You never finish your conversation, but you know all about your friend’s broken nail and the exact measurement of ointment used to ensure a speedy growth too. You could probably write a thesis on it, which would be titled, “Nailing it. Not.”
Here is an example:
A: So, today I embarrassed myself in front of my boss
B: Wow, what happened?
A: Well, my boss sends me a mail which I had to reply to, and I punched in the wrong email id, hence mailed a non-existing id and....
B: I know!! That happened to me too! I mean it was just so weird you know!
A: Wait, I didn’t...
B: So what happens is, I am mailing this funny mail to my friend at work...and it gets forwarded to the boss! Like what are the odds of that happening?!
A: Er....
B: I know!!! Anyway, so this boss calls me in, and guess what? (doesn’t allow other person time to guess) She LOVED the mail!!! Isn’t that the coolest thing ever! I thought I was so getting fired today!
A: But....
B: I know!!!! She even told me to include her in my mailing list next time onwards! I hope this gets me promoted!
A: You don’t.....
B: I know!!!!
And some other times, the Conversation Stealers talk about things that are not even related to the topic at large, small or whatever.
Here’s an example:
A: Hey, so I was walking my dog and this weird looking thing bit him and now he is unwell
B: What bit him?
A: Looked like a bug....don’t know...I think....
B: Must have been a shark bug
A: Huh?
B: Dude, did you see the way those sharks bit Joe in that movie? So I was seeing this awesome movie on cable that day.....is called ‘Shark or What!’ Is a funny movie...and has this scene where this shark bites the main character named Joe and it gives him this ugly scar! And you know what he goes around telling people? That he fought a lion! I mean is that funny or what?!
A: I....
B: No! It’s Shark or What!! HAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Someday. These people will be &^%$#^&*@!%^$%$^#@^&$#@. Someday.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
When boredom strikes
Have you ever noticed that most of the things we do during our sessions of boredom are activities of pure genius?
Here’s a list.
Here’s a list.
- Making funny faces: There is a potential stand up comedian / clown hiding in each of us
- Inventing new games: You think Twister was invented when someone saw coloured dots after he fell down the stairs? I hope not
- Writing comics: As much as all our famous cartoonists would probably deny, all their creations have stemmed out of sheer, extreme boredom
- Practising scenes from movies: What other valid reason for theatre anyway!
- Staring at a fly on the wall: The fly population owes boredom one
- Shadow talking: If only they could talk back to us. (Source of inspiration for most horror films)
- Thinking up ways of Armageddon and how we will save the world: (Steven Spielberg and James Cameron were at the moment-to-kill-self-due-to-boredom before their phenomenal movie scripts took birth)
- The way we would die: (EVERYONE has outplayed this scene in their imagination, for countless number of times. Movie Directors are lucky to get other people act it out for them)
- This blog: (What! Why are you reading this then? Cos you’re bored? Refer to Line 1 :P)
Monday, June 14, 2010
All dressed up and nowhere to go
Hot summer days. Hotter summer nights. Chilly winters. Mayhem-filled monsoons. Indian weather is as unpredictable as the Indian Weather Board is. Every weather season hits us with one question: ‘Can you survive this?’ And no, we cannot, but we try our best, through our seasonal clothes, optional make up, terrain specific shoes etc etc etc. But this is how the normal Indian functions.
Now, our telly soap star actresses, they belong to an entirely different league. They hail from another planet, where the extremity of the weather doesn’t seem to affect them, where sweating is perhaps an abnormality rarely (if at all) visible and where a person’s attire is not in any way related to the weather, the situation or the television serial itself.
So.
Here is a crash course on how one can become the Ultimate Indian Television Soap Queen:
Now, our telly soap star actresses, they belong to an entirely different league. They hail from another planet, where the extremity of the weather doesn’t seem to affect them, where sweating is perhaps an abnormality rarely (if at all) visible and where a person’s attire is not in any way related to the weather, the situation or the television serial itself.
So.
Here is a crash course on how one can become the Ultimate Indian Television Soap Queen:
- Wear make-up. Don’t stop.
- Wear colourful sarees. With bright motifs and big diamonds. Ask someone to comment on your saree. If they cannot comment due to lack of sight on witnessing your attire, you have draped the right cloth around your lithesome body. Oh, and yes, wear these at home. Going for a party to some fancy hotel? Just top the garishness of what you are already wearing.
- Wear jewellery. All of it. Make sure no body part goes without a decoration.
- Wear shoes that defy the texture of every terrain.
- Change clothes every time the camera moves away from you. Try to top the garishness of every outfit you adorn. It isn’t difficult. Aliens keep donating their discarded skins to the production units every time.
- Go to bed with the outfit you last wore when the camera swayed twenty times around you. Let the make-up stay. Apply some more just to ensure it stays. Wake up looking like you never went to bed at all, where an invisible iron ensured that the creases stayed out of your garments, and where your hair bears the did-not-let-the-air-touch-my-hair look.
- Exaggerate every emotion. Mosquito died? Let the tear ducts flow. Dam vessel not making the beloved clinking sound? Murder your mother-in-law’s sister’s husband’s father’s niece’s sister-in-law for the heinous crime of not washing vessels as advised.
- Plot. Your husband’s family welcomed you, but there is this one evil lady / man in the family who just hates the way your eyelashes curl. Can also not stand the shadow it throws on the bridge of your nose. So both of you begin the game of plotting, where you plot to stay out of all plots, while the evil lady / man just plots to ensure that you are in the middle of every plot.
- So they made you the vamp huh? Easy. To look like a vamp, just increase the occurrence of things mentioned above, to say, 40 times more. For eg: If the nice lady wears only 10 layers of make-up (Indians love the natural look), you just have to put on 40 more layers (We really love the natural look). Ensure that your eyes have some really charming make up that prompts us to think that you are a cross breed between an ugly doe and a hideous snake. Do not forget to adorn gravity, sensibility and length defying jewellery and bindis. About the acting, well...wait, acting? My bad. Just pretend that you were constipated since you were born. Rest should come naturally to you.
It doesn’t take a lot to star in Indian serials. Our soap stars have the ability to make Osama Bin Laden come out of his hiding place and yell, “Enough of the terror! I give myself up!” The only reason why anyone has not tried this yet is because, well, we really are not THAT merciless now, are we?
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
In a FOUL mood
There has been much debate on the world’s foulest word. The F word doesn’t really mean anything. For a word that applies to countless situations, the F word has lost its significance. Soon, babies will enter the world, saying “Who the f*** switched on the light?”, and the doctors will nod in agreement about how healthy this baby is.
Hence.
What could be the foulest word then? For a word to qualify as the world’s foulest word, it has to generate ample satisfaction and sadistic pleasure in the person using the foul word and the desire to crawl and die for the victim of the foul word. The word also needs to be applicable to one situation: that the person is absolutely pointless and is the biggest scum of the earth. When you wish to convey this powerful message, only one word comes to my mind: You MANAGER!!
Ouch.
While reading this, some of my readers out there may have already said, “What rubbish”, while some may have used the foul word for me too. This should bother me, of course. But there are people, and then there are managers. And there is no possible reconciliation for that. (If you said WHAT RUBBISH, you know who you are:-P)
Below are two situations where you may need to call upon the powers of this word. These are hypothetical situations. (Yeah right).
A: Bitch! I waited you for FOUR LONG hours in the bloody park!
B: I was getting my hair done.
A: Yah, and I was asking the ants to pedicure me to death!!!!
B: Who?
A: I am so NOT waiting for you next time.
B: Would you rather see me in a weird hairdo!
A: Hahahahaha….am I not NOW???
B: You non-appreciating imbecile!
A: you MANAGER!!
And another one.
A: Did you clean the attic?
B: Do I know you?
A: Clean the attic
B: Give me a good reason why I should waste my time doing something YOU think is important.
A: Because I have knives that I cut vegetables with.
B: (silence) you MANAGER.
If you have used my patent bad word RIGHT NOW, you owe me some amount of money. And try not to insult me with a ‘YOU MANAGER’, as you finish reading this.
We all are MANAGERS at some point in our lives after all :P
Hence.
What could be the foulest word then? For a word to qualify as the world’s foulest word, it has to generate ample satisfaction and sadistic pleasure in the person using the foul word and the desire to crawl and die for the victim of the foul word. The word also needs to be applicable to one situation: that the person is absolutely pointless and is the biggest scum of the earth. When you wish to convey this powerful message, only one word comes to my mind: You MANAGER!!
Ouch.
While reading this, some of my readers out there may have already said, “What rubbish”, while some may have used the foul word for me too. This should bother me, of course. But there are people, and then there are managers. And there is no possible reconciliation for that. (If you said WHAT RUBBISH, you know who you are:-P)
Below are two situations where you may need to call upon the powers of this word. These are hypothetical situations. (Yeah right).
A: Bitch! I waited you for FOUR LONG hours in the bloody park!
B: I was getting my hair done.
A: Yah, and I was asking the ants to pedicure me to death!!!!
B: Who?
A: I am so NOT waiting for you next time.
B: Would you rather see me in a weird hairdo!
A: Hahahahaha….am I not NOW???
B: You non-appreciating imbecile!
A: you MANAGER!!
And another one.
A: Did you clean the attic?
B: Do I know you?
A: Clean the attic
B: Give me a good reason why I should waste my time doing something YOU think is important.
A: Because I have knives that I cut vegetables with.
B: (silence) you MANAGER.
If you have used my patent bad word RIGHT NOW, you owe me some amount of money. And try not to insult me with a ‘YOU MANAGER’, as you finish reading this.
We all are MANAGERS at some point in our lives after all :P
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