Let's talk.

Conversations. Everyone loves conversations.

Especially if it’s about themselves.

You want to tell your friend about how you tripped the other day and almost broke your hip. However, even before you reach the part where you tripped, BANG! She will think of an incident, where, she too almost broke an organ. So what if it’s just a fingernail that broke? It’s SOMETHING! At this point, you are taken back to your memories of watching the American Pie movies, with Michelle and her “This one time, at band camp” instances which are more boring to hear than it is to hear an HR personnel speak about human kindness.

You never finish your conversation, but you know all about your friend’s broken nail and the exact measurement of ointment used to ensure a speedy growth too. You could probably write a thesis on it, which would be titled, “Nailing it. Not.”

Here is an example:

A: So, today I embarrassed myself in front of my boss

B: Wow, what happened?

A: Well, my boss sends me a mail which I had to reply to, and I punched in the wrong email id, hence mailed a non-existing id and....

B: I know!! That happened to me too! I mean it was just so weird you know!

A: Wait, I didn’t...

B: So what happens is, I am mailing this funny mail to my friend at work...and it gets forwarded to the boss! Like what are the odds of that happening?!

A: Er....

B: I know!!! Anyway, so this boss calls me in, and guess what? (doesn’t allow other person time to guess) She LOVED the mail!!! Isn’t that the coolest thing ever! I thought I was so getting fired today!

A: But....

B: I know!!!! She even told me to include her in my mailing list next time onwards! I hope this gets me promoted!

A: You don’t.....

B: I know!!!!

And some other times, the Conversation Stealers talk about things that are not even related to the topic at large, small or whatever.

Here’s an example:

A: Hey, so I was walking my dog and this weird looking thing bit him and now he is unwell

B: What bit him?

A: Looked like a bug....don’t know...I think....

B: Must have been a shark bug

A: Huh?

B: Dude, did you see the way those sharks bit Joe in that movie? So I was seeing this awesome movie on cable that day.....is called ‘Shark or What!’ Is a funny movie...and has this scene where this shark bites the main character named Joe and it gives him this ugly scar! And you know what he goes around telling people? That he fought a lion! I mean is that funny or what?!

A: I....

B: No! It’s Shark or What!! HAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Someday. These people will be &^%$#^&*@!%^$%$^#@^&$#@. Someday.

When boredom strikes

Have you ever noticed that most of the things we do during our sessions of boredom are activities of pure genius?

Here’s a list.

• Making funny faces: There is a potential stand up comedian / clown hiding in each of us
  
  
• Inventing new games: You think Twister was invented when someone saw coloured dots after he fell down the stairs? I hope not
  
  
• Writing comics: As much as all our famous cartoonists would probably deny, all their creations have stemmed out of sheer, extreme boredom
  
  
• Practising scenes from movies: What other valid reason for theatre anyway!
  
  
• Staring at a fly on the wall: The fly population owes boredom one
  
  
• Shadow talking: If only they could talk back to us. (Source of inspiration for most horror films)
  
  
• Thinking up ways of Armageddon and how we will save the world: (Steven Spielberg and James Cameron were at the moment-to-kill-self-due-to-boredom before their phenomenal movie scripts took birth)
  
  
• The way we would die: (EVERYONE has outplayed this scene in their imagination, for countless number of times. Movie Directors are lucky to get other people act it out for them)
  
  
• This blog: (What! Why are you reading this then? Cos you’re bored? Refer to Line 1 :P)

All dressed up and nowhere to go

Hot summer days. Hotter summer nights. Chilly winters. Mayhem-filled monsoons. Indian weather is as unpredictable as the Indian Weather Board is. Every weather season hits us with one question: ‘Can you survive this?’ And no, we cannot, but we try our best, through our seasonal clothes, optional make up, terrain specific shoes etc etc etc. But this is how the normal Indian functions.

Now, our telly soap star actresses, they belong to an entirely different league. They hail from another planet, where the extremity of the weather doesn’t seem to affect them, where sweating is perhaps an abnormality rarely (if at all) visible and where a person’s attire is not in any way related to the weather, the situation or the television serial itself.

So.

Here is a crash course on how one can become the Ultimate Indian Television Soap Queen:

• Wear make-up. Don’t stop.
  
  
• Wear colourful sarees. With bright motifs and big diamonds. Ask someone to comment on your saree. If they cannot comment due to lack of sight on witnessing your attire, you have draped the right cloth around your lithesome body. Oh, and yes, wear these at home. Going for a party to some fancy hotel? Just top the garishness of what you are already wearing.
  
  
• Wear jewellery. All of it. Make sure no body part goes without a decoration.
  
  
• Wear shoes that defy the texture of every terrain.
  
  
• Change clothes every time the camera moves away from you. Try to top the garishness of every outfit you adorn. It isn’t difficult. Aliens keep donating their discarded skins to the production units every time.
  
  
• Go to bed with the outfit you last wore when the camera swayed twenty times around you. Let the make-up stay. Apply some more just to ensure it stays. Wake up looking like you never went to bed at all, where an invisible iron ensured that the creases stayed out of your garments, and where your hair bears the did-not-let-the-air-touch-my-hair look.
  
  
• Exaggerate every emotion. Mosquito died? Let the tear ducts flow. Dam vessel not making the beloved clinking sound? Murder your mother-in-law’s sister’s husband’s father’s niece’s sister-in-law for the heinous crime of not washing vessels as advised.
  
  
• Plot. Your husband’s family welcomed you, but there is this one evil lady / man in the family who just hates the way your eyelashes curl. Can also not stand the shadow it throws on the bridge of your nose. So both of you begin the game of plotting, where you plot to stay out of all plots, while the evil lady / man just plots to ensure that you are in the middle of every plot.
  
  
• So they made you the vamp huh? Easy. To look like a vamp, just increase the occurrence of things mentioned above, to say, 40 times more. For eg: If the nice lady wears only 10 layers of make-up (Indians love the natural look), you just have to put on 40 more layers (We really love the natural look). Ensure that your eyes have some really charming make up that prompts us to think that you are a cross breed between an ugly doe and a hideous snake. Do not forget to adorn gravity, sensibility and length defying jewellery and bindis. About the acting, well...wait, acting? My bad. Just pretend that you were constipated since you were born. Rest should come naturally to you.

It doesn’t take a lot to star in Indian serials. Our soap stars have the ability to make Osama Bin Laden come out of his hiding place and yell, “Enough of the terror! I give myself up!” The only reason why anyone has not tried this yet is because, well, we really are not THAT merciless now, are we?

In a FOUL mood

There has been much debate on the world’s foulest word. The F word doesn’t really mean anything. For a word that applies to countless situations, the F word has lost its significance. Soon, babies will enter the world, saying “Who the f*** switched on the light?”, and the doctors will nod in agreement about how healthy this baby is.

Hence.

What could be the foulest word then? For a word to qualify as the world’s foulest word, it has to generate ample satisfaction and sadistic pleasure in the person using the foul word and the desire to crawl and die for the victim of the foul word. The word also needs to be applicable to one situation: that the person is absolutely pointless and is the biggest scum of the earth. When you wish to convey this powerful message, only one word comes to my mind: You MANAGER!!

Ouch.

While reading this, some of my readers out there may have already said, “What rubbish”, while some may have used the foul word for me too. This should bother me, of course. But there are people, and then there are managers. And there is no possible reconciliation for that. (If you said WHAT RUBBISH, you know who you are:-P)

Below are two situations where you may need to call upon the powers of this word. These are hypothetical situations. (Yeah right).

A: Bitch! I waited you for FOUR LONG hours in the bloody park!

B: I was getting my hair done.

A: Yah, and I was asking the ants to pedicure me to death!!!!

B: Who?

A: I am so NOT waiting for you next time.

B: Would you rather see me in a weird hairdo!

A: Hahahahaha….am I not NOW???

B: You non-appreciating imbecile!

A: you MANAGER!!

And another one.

A: Did you clean the attic?

B: Do I know you?

A: Clean the attic

B: Give me a good reason why I should waste my time doing something YOU think is important.

A: Because I have knives that I cut vegetables with.

B: (silence) you MANAGER.

If you have used my patent bad word RIGHT NOW, you owe me some amount of money. And try not to insult me with a ‘YOU MANAGER’, as you finish reading this.

We all are MANAGERS at some point in our lives after all :P

Karthik calling Karthik

The much awaited movie, Karthik calling Karthik, is generating its fair share of publicity. So I decided to join the bandwagon and contribute – for free, mind you. Farhan darling, you owe me one.

So I am speculating. What could this movie be about? Here’s what I think. Karthik (Farhan) is wooing Lambi (my assumed name for Deepika) and they like each other and all that jazz.

Moving on to the main plot:

Lambi and her miniature genius are having a whale of time. However, as all famous couples of Bollywood movies, they come across a major hurdle that threatens the very core of their rock solid relationship (yeh Fevicol ka jod nahi hai?! Saala duplicate maal!). Things happen, people die, a bridge collapses somewhere in the world and Lambi announces that she is bored of her hair now and cannot tolerate Farhan’s good hair days anymore. (Adhuna Akhtar, you’re so sacked) People do get bored you know. Farhan pretends to not notice and continues singing songs while Lambi fumes in a corner. The movie is pretty boring until THE CALL.

Conversation

Caller: Hi, is this Karthik?

Karthik: Yeah, this is Karthik, who’s this?

Caller: Yeah, this is Karthik.

Karthik: Yeah, this is Karthik, who’s this?

Caller: Yeah, this is Karthik.

Karthik: I just told you, this is Karthik. Who the hell are you man?

Caller: Dude, this is Karthik. What’s wrong with YOU man?

Karthik: Why you little prick….

Caller: Dude, its Karthik.

Karthik: YEAH. THIS IS KARTHIK!!!!! WHO THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU?????

Caller: THIS IS KARTHIK!!!!!

Karthik: Dude, just stop repeating what I say or I will cut your….

Caller: THIS IS KARTHIK!!!!!

Karthik: YEAH THIS IS KARTHIK!!!! JUST WHO THE #*^% are you?????????

Caller: Karthik!!!!!

Karthik: WHAT!!!!?????

Caller: WHAT what?

Karthik: YOU piece of….(Suddenly there is a cross connection…and both idiots hear Lambi giggling on the phone)

Caller: What the fu…

Karthik: SHHH!!! This is my girl's voice. Listen to what she is saying….

Lambi: Can you believe it sweetheart? Those dimwits are not getting beyond their own name….so damn funny….I KNOW!!!! Khee kheee kheee giggle giggle….(silence)….oooooh yes let’s do that baby….meet me in an hour…..yeah Tanya I will be on time….muahhhssssss (air kissing sounds)

Lambi’s line goes dead.

Silence.

Caller: Karthik?

Karthik: Don’t start that shit again……

Caller: Dude, my girl’s name is Tanya.

BOTH: SON OF A BITCH!!!!!

I am SO waiting to see whose version is better :D

My name is Khan. I am not a terrorist. (Killing people with my boring movie doesn’t count)

Herd mentality can be a bad thing. You have a nagging doubt about going ahead with what the majority seems to recommend, but instead of voicing out and vehemently protesting the atrocities of having to subject to another individual’s opinion, you gulp down your insecurities and hope for the best. This is when things like My Name is Khan happen.

After proudly announcing to the world that I would not, under any circumstances, watch this movie even for free, I took the bait and paid a precious 180 bucks for this sob fest. Had I known about the ordeal I was about to go through in the next four hours (K-Jo wtf?! FOUR HOURS?!), I would have happily switched to drinking sulphuric acid from a cocktail glass while smoking up on poisonous fumes instead.

I am not going to write about the story and the director’s vile attempts to make me gouge my eyes out after every five seconds. I will, instead, write about a few observations in the movie, the glaring flaws and of course, the weather, as and when I get bored. Which is a strong possibility considering what I am writing about.

• I do not know whether Shah Rukh Khan was acting or was just being his normal self in the movie
  
  
• A thirteen year old boy with Asperger’s Syndrome pumps gallons of clogged water by cycling away for many tireless hours and no one even thanks him. Unless you count bragging about the boy being one’s student as appreciation
  
  
• Is it just me or does Shah Rukh Khan look more blind than unfocussed?
  
  
• Coherent speech be damned, our hero does his imaginary singing in perfect clarity as and when the situation demands it
  
  
• Kajol meets Shah Rukh for the first time as she went about rescuing him from the crowd that had alighted from a bus, as they were pissed with Shah Rukh for standing in the middle of the road. Kajol then goes on to lecture Shah Rukh on the philosophy of fear. In the middle of the road. Note the absence of the crowd
  
  
• Kajol’s heart wrenching trust in just-met-guy-on-road-a-month-ago. “Please take my son to the museum. I do not care if you have Asperger’s Syndrome and certainly have no regard for your dislike of crowded places.”
  
  
• Kajol – “Oh, you have Asperger’s Syndrome AND are jobless! My faith in love is restored! My son will finally have a father! So what if it means a whole lot of adjusting for you. This movie is not about Asperger’s Syndrome anyway.”
  
  
• Shah Rukh, with such touching innocence, emphasises to pronounce Khan, his surname, in a way similar to the process of trying to get some phlegm out of your throat
  
  
• Note how boy and wife call father and husband, not ‘Dad’ or ‘Rizwan’, but ‘Khhhhhh-hhhhh—hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-----hhhhhhhhhhhh---an’
  
  
• Indian boy is killed in broad daylight, in awesomely big soccer field, and not a single soul notices this. The pleasures of murdering in a big school! *Must execute all my enemies here*
  
  
• Kajol doesn’t apply make-up when she is accusing her husband of being a Khan, but remembers to put some on when she goes around making people aware of the case of her murdered son *sniff*
  
  
• Shah Rukh goes backpacking through America without so much as a steady job in place, donates all his money to a fundraiser and STILL manages to travel without a hitch. Oh, and please take special note of ‘I am constantly travelling and am almost broke, but I still look bath fresh’
  
  
• Where there is water, Shah Rukh will cycle - (scene of floods caused by Hurricane Katrina). BMC team, here is your long awaited candidate
  
  
• Inspite of being afflicted with Asperger’s, our protagonist seems to know the A-Z of organisation when repairing a falling church (Superman, eat this!)
  
  
• News shows anchored at BBC / PBC are aired in Hindi or Hinglish. Indians, be ashamed. People of another nationality, who do not understand the language, are willing to tune into shows where our Indian correspondents will talk in Hinglish. Maybe they really dig the English parts
  
  
• Indian correspondent is scared of turban attracting violence in post 9/11 America, but retains beard. Is also fair-skinned, so the beard literally stands out. Is hoping that prospective attackers will ignore his reputation as a reporter, his fancy clothes and watch, and assume that he is too poor to have a shave
  
  
• Barkha Dutt (which I keep mistyping as Bra-kha for some hilarious reason). I am not sure what the lady is doing here
  
  
• While the US government lacks apathy, Indians come to the rescue of the people stuck in flooded church. Of course, it doesn’t matter that an actual rescue team is missing. Main hoon na!
  
  
• President Obama look-a-like wannabe. (goes into laughter fit). He is the REAL hero. He gives a rat’s ass to all security protocols of the USA and allows the barricades holding a surprisingly behaving crowd to be opened, so that our hero can come through *standing ovation*

I watched this movie with a friend who has sworn me to secrecy for fear of being socially rejected. I don’t care about social rejection anyway. After watching My Name is Khan, you pretty much stop caring at all.

One-liner truths

In all fairness is an insult for the dark-skinned

This meeting room is good for my sleep cycles

Look! A good manager!!! Hahahahaa! Gotcha!

I don’t participate during a meeting? Who is doing all the yawning?

My feelings are no match to your lack of ability to feel anything

Suppose you die.

The boss is angry with me. Maybe it was the 24-page long report that he requested for. Last year.

See? I TOLD you he would sell your report to the ‘save-paper-for-chanawallas’ foundation

In Corporate Limbo

I: I sent you the mail you requested for.

They: What is it about?

I: You are kidding me right? Right?

They: Should I colour my toenail ghastly red or lovely pink?

I: (descends into gradual insanity)

They: Perhaps you could turn the light tube a bit toward my direction? That should help me decide

I: (should I bring a mini blow dryer to dry your nails) The mail?

They: Oh yes.

Brief silence. For 30 minutes

They: (looks up) Oh, I decided. Lovely Pink it is.

I: (removes gun) Do you want to shoot me?

They: Let my nails dry first

The Engagement of Sushant and Anita (Gulp)

Girl: So! We are getting engaged!

Boy: (Gulp) Yes.

Girl: What’s that?

Boy: (small gulp) What?

Girl: You gulped. Why?

Boy: I gulp when I’m happy.

Girl: You didn’t gulp when I chose the ring that you bought for the engagement.

Boy: I was too happy to gulp (Gulp)

Girl: You seem to gulp at the wrong moments.

Boy: You can say that.

Girl: I wish you had chosen a ring as pretty as mine.

Boy: I like simple rings (gulp)

Girl: Simple rings make you happy?

Boy: (Gulp)

Girl: Oh I can’t wait for the engagement day!

Boy: (Gulp)

Girl: We will be starting a new bond, a new life!

Boy: (Gulp) (Gulp)

Girl: Forever!!! And ever!!!

Boy: (Gulp) (Gulp) (Gulp)

Girl: Just how happy are you right now?????????

Boy: (Gulp)

Fatness is a state of the fat mind.

There are fat people. And then there’s us. We aren’t fat by BMI standards. But, if you look at us, you wouldn’t say, “Wish I had a body like that.” In addition, the chance of the likes of us being noticed by anyone is not even a once-in-a-blue-moon thing. In fact, the blue moon may just not come out that one time it does, if it happens to lay its eyes on us.

So we are fat.

We invented a few terms – jelly, dump of a lump, lump of dough / jellyfish, pregnant-yet-without-child etc. We are not exactly proud of this. Perhaps Urban Dictionary likes us for being the two-hundred millionth word on their database. That’s an achievement for us. We find solace in negative things. Are compelled to.

And we are fat.

We feel fat. And the feeling translates into believable reality. Of course, if we feel thin, it doesn’t work that way. (Wonders why). Clothes hate us. But we try to maintain a platonic relationship with them. Also, the camera doesn’t add ten pounds to us. There isn’t any further scope for that. And oh, gravity hates us too. (Einstein, our sincere apologies).

Fat.

But we look at the world from a larger perspective. (Maybe it’s the fat eyes). And that’s where, we see the bigger picture. Pun intended? Perhaps.

The Nokia N73

Is this what computers have become? The N-Series by Nokia poses this question to the new-generation customer, signifying that technology (more so, Nokia) has come of age, and how! If global warming doesn’t get the better of us, it won’t be too long before the humble cell phone in our palms replaces the computer entirely.

I was gifted the N73 for my birthday, on October 29, 2007. I couldn’t have asked for a better gift. After using a very simple phone—one with a black and white display and pixelated images to pass for graphics—the Nokia N73 was an entire new experience for me. The first feature that gripped my attention was the large display screen. The Nokia N73 has one of the biggest screens in its league – 2.4 inches of screen space (240x320 pixels to be precise). Once I had managed to look past the width of the screen, the sleek design of the phone came into my view. The 116 gm model may seem bigger than most phones in size, but is actually light to hold and fits comfortably into my palm or pocket. The shiny black surface, accentuated with the neo-blue light of the keypad, only intensified my growing affection for this model. And, I had yet to explore the plethora of features embedded in this phone. Such is the magic of the Nokia N73. Its exterior design so captivates you that you can’t help but spend a minimum of fifteen minutes to simply gawk at the phone in sheer admiration.

I then sat myself down to browse through the many features of this phone. Good old Nokia, never too confusing to navigate through, no matter how complex the model. Although the N73 is a complete upgrade for me as compared to the nature of phones I used earlier, the Nokia N73 posed no difficulty in understanding its user interface. The first feature that I sampled upon was the sound functionality of the phone. My phone is a music edition, specially built to produce the finest quality of sound possible in a mobile phone. I was exhilarated with the supreme quality of sound of the N73; crystal clear, crisp, bass-based music, with a complete blocking off of all other sounds in the background. Somehow, the radio sounds better on the N73 than it does on other phones. The set of Bose headphones that comes with the phone, is as sleek as the phone itself, and performs even better in terms of sound quality. Another plus point of this phone is that it supports most of the file formats such as MP3, AAC and WMA to name a few. In short, the music edition of the N73 provides a musical extravaganza that is nothing short of sheer bliss for a self-confessed music fanatic like me.

The third feature that I may never stop raving about is the camera. The model has a 3.2 mega pixel Carl Zeiss lens camera, producing a picture quality that is so fine, it almost could pass for a photo taken from a regular camera. The lens is protected by a sturdy cover, which when flipped back, will get the phone into the camera mode. The camera will produce good images even in poor light conditions. A little button next to the shutter button allows you to directly access the photo gallery, and get back to clicking mode. So, I can click a picture, go to the gallery without getting out of the camera mode, view any image, and get right back to clicking pictures. Saves so much time and is so much more convenient. The model also has a VGA camera, which pales in comparison to the main camera. But it’s the main camera that allows no disappointment to set in the modest picture quality of the VGA camera. In addition to this, the phone allows you to organise your pictures as you please, with a host of intuitive and creative options to choose from, akin to an online album. The most appealing feature in this arena is the slide show option of images. It is like viewing a PPT! Very neat transitions of slides, with a song of your choice playing in the background.

An inbuilt memory of 42 MB with an extendable memory of 2 GB is just about enough to store at least 200 images and 100 songs as well, not to mention every message that you may have received from day one! On board are Microsoft Word, Excel, PowerPoint and Adobe Reader softwares as well as the PC suite enabled Outlook synchronisation. The usual features such as Bluetooth and Infra red are present as also are the SMS and MMS functions, voice recorder, unit converter, GPRS and games.

The Nokia N73 is worth every penny it costs. A wonderful phone that encapsulates a multitude of features, which, after almost two years of owning the phone, I still have to explore! I am still in the stages of enjoying the music and the photography. More is yet to come!

Irony.

Girl to boy: How much do you love me?
Boy to girl: I would have to leave you to know that.

Its easy.

This is dedicated to a certain someone I know :)

When I frown.
When I’m down.

When I’m angry.
When I’m cranky.

When I’m frustrated.
When I’m devastated.

When I’m lonely.
When I’m melancholy.

You’re not here, but no matter where.
Here, there, everywhere.

When I need you.
I think of you.

It’s easy.


Look.
Sing.
Laugh.
Feel.
Smile.
Joke.
Cry.
Shout.
Sneeze.
Frown.
Wave.
Snicker.
Grin.
Jump.
Breathe.
Guffaw.
Poke.
Cringe.
Shiver.
Wait.
Walk.
Tickle.
Snigger.
Point.
Sleep.
Cuddle.
Kiss.
Hug.

“Our Love.”

The ant amongst us

He peeps out of his home. Ms White is cleaning her window again. Mr Smith seems to have had a good night’s sleep because his zipper is not open this time around. Cory Mcfinn is digging his nose again. He is disgusted. No taking anything that falls out of his hand – that’s for sure.

He comes out. It must have rained in the morning – good ol smell of the earth. Ok. Who are we kidding? That was just old Jones farting away to glory. Humans are such filthy creatures. If he so much as let out a molecule of flatulence, the crawly creature would gobble him up in no time.

Let’s venture out today, shall we? A cautious step forward. No Woodland shoe on him. Not yet anyway.

So much to look forward to. Every step a mystery, every breath a luxury. How is it that the humans look so bored then?

He scurries forward.

How to identify a manager

• Their designation. Very fancy title. Makes no sense. For eg: Strategy Manager. I am not sure what does a Strategy Manager do. I am not sure that even the Strategy Manager knows what he does.
  
  
• The facial expression. Looks constipated all the time.

• The manner of walk. Oh yes, check out the walk. Will assume a very straight posture, as though the Taliban is breathing down their neck. It’s the walk that’s supposed to instil fear in the hearts of those who cross their path. All it does is make me laugh.

• Steal a peek at their PC. Ninety-nine out of hundred times, they will be working on any of the following three: MS Excel sheet, Internal-software-that-puts-employees-in-trouble or a mail.

• They eat at their desk. Always. If possible they would sleep, shit and mate at their desk as well.

• They work on a holiday. Not because they have no life. Just so they can boast about it.

• They fanaticise a lot. Example: The deadlines they set. They somehow believe these crazy deadlines are achievable.

• Their brains know not what their mouth expresses. And vice versa.

• They are selectively deaf. They pretend to not hear you when you have a problem, but are all ears when someone is blaspheming you.

• They love to gossip.

• They are the bullies who never grew up in school and think that the office is one big school playground.

• Logic and managers were never meant to be.

• They prove their worth by conducting meetings after pointless meetings. And encourage team participation by not allowing anyone to talk.

• They are the original soap stars. They create drama around petty things like the non-availability of a drawing pin that will pierce a white board that is as fat as their pompous ass.

• Their spoken English is best left unspoken. And they speak it all the time. Even when they know that no one is listening.

• They have fake accents and use heavily jargonised language. They believe that aspects are proof of their intelligence. No one has proven them wrong, for no one listens anyway.

• They have the irritating habit of speaking to you as though you are dumb. Can’t blame them. It’s difficult to look interested when they talk.

• They are fat. The ones who are not fat in body mass are fat-headed.

My very first article in the Economics Times

This is my article that was published in the SME dialogue page of Economics Times dated September 30, 2008.

Citizen Blogging: The new mantra

The mediums to provide an 'online face' to an opinion are plenty, with a number of blogging networks having cropped up in the past few years. The cut-throat competition and the demand for online visibility are high, and spearheading this platform is difficult. But, Instablogs has overcome these obstacles to emerge as India's first high-profile blogging network.

Launched on October 5, 2005, Instablogs is one of the fastest growing blogging networks in the world today. Instablogs is similar to an online forum, where bloggers, citizen journalists, and traditional media can meet and interact with others. It commands a strong readership base with participation from various countries. "With over 4 million page views and 25,000 registered members, Instablogs has been profitable from its early days," says Nandini Maheswari, the founder of Instablogs. It was the vision of Anil Maheshwari, the father-in-law of Ms Maheshwari of Instablogs, that inspired the latter to create a global interactive platform. "Anil Maheshwari always wanted to run a global newspaper.

When he approached me with this idea, I took no time in grabbing the opportunity,"says Ms Maheshwari. Having started with niche blogs, Instablogs has now expanded into citizen journalism (CJ). "We initially had planned to launch small but highly targeted niche blogs. The idea was to build small communities around these blogs, and then launch a CJ platform on these communities." Instablogs caters to a multitude of interesting facets. Apart from posting blogs on a variety of topics, people report for the site and submit news feeds. Ms Maheshwari adds, "The Citizen Newspaper feature on our site is like any newspaper. The community writes, promotes, filters and consumes the content."

To expand the network, Instablogs worked on several revenue models. Earlier, Instablogs generated revenue through ads, but later moved to a revenue model, which reaped healthy profits. "Revenue for a long time was through advertising. But now, we sell our ad inventory by ourselves, using third party ad networks only for unsold inventory." Though Instablogs was making profits, growing from the break-even level involved challenges. "We had zero marketing budget and few writers and programmers. There wasn't proper content management software available, which could handle multiple domain blog network," says Ms Maheswari. Instablogs had to adopt strategies that were ahead of conventional forms. This became possible after Instablogs identified issues and designed its own tools. "We built our own software. This enabled us to tweak our software as per our changing needs. This gives us an advantage over our competitors".

Like any other start-up, Instablogs also faced challenges and later grew from it. Instablogs' business model sets an example for other SMEs to learn and tread on the growth path. "SMEs can benefit from these news communities by having a dialogue about their products online. Blogs should be like tools in the hands of consumers encouraging them to participate in brand conversation," says Ms Maheshwari.

Ms Maheshwari had her share of rough days. However, the entrepreneur in her only finds new ways to enhance the Instablogs network. "We want to be the 'citizen's' CNN. We want to make an impact in today's world by increasing collaboration and dialogue between people of different cultures, nationalities and religion and inviting them to work on news together and see beyond the noise," she concludes.

Movies of substance

Mammo, a movie directed by the multi-talented Shyam Benegal, was made way back in 1994....it is more of commercial cinema and not the kind of movie every person would want to watch. I saw it by chance on Doordarshan, when I was a kid, and although I didn't understand much of it, it stayed in my mind. I saw it again around a year back and this time, I understood every bit.

Riyaz, a 13-year old boy, lives with his grandmother Fayyuzi (Surekha Sikri) and her aunt Mehmooda Begum a.k.a Mammo (Fardia Jalal). He lives in a humble house, isn't rich and is quite bitter about his father abandoning him. They are a delightful trio, with tiny harmless squabbles over petty issues occurring between them every now and then. Although the grandmother is quite conservative, which for her age, is not surprising, Mammo on the other hand, is quite free-spirited, modern (for 1994) and an out-of-the-box thinker. And she is about the same age as her elder sister too. Yes.

There is this one scene where she finds Riyaz playing around with some cigarettes in his room, and she sneaks up on him and catches him red-handed. Instead of scolding him severely, she lights up one cigarette, takes a drag, coughs and grimaces over its filthy taste, and then tells Riyaz that this not worth his time and tells him to put it away. It works! Jalal smoking a ciggy is also captured on the DVD cover of the movie. Ultra-cool!

Mammo was born during the British Raj in India, but was one of the thousands who fled to Pakistan during the partition era. Having settled down there, she was automatically termed as a Pakistani citizen. All was well until she realised that she couldn't conceive. To add to her woes, her husband expires a few years later, and property issues and the 'barrenness of her womb' resulted in her relatives throwing her out of the house. With nowhere to go, she comes to India to stay with her sister on a temporary visa, which has to be renewed every month.

To end the constant trips to the visa guy, Mammo somehow scrapes for some money and bribes a police inspector to issue her a permanent visa for staying in India. As luck would have it, the police guy who issued her a permanent visa gets transferred. The police inspector who comes in place of him gets hold of Mammo, labels her an illegal immigrant, and arranges to have her 'transported back' to Pakistan. She is forcibly put onto a train to Pakistan, and no heed is paid to the fact that she has a visa, and the heart rendering pleas of her old sister or young grandson are ignored.

Riyaz and Fayyuzi make many attempts to trace her, but all in vain. Many years later the boy grows up into an adult (played by the versatile Rajit Kapoor, of Byomkesh Bakshi fame), and starts penning down memories of his beloved grand aunt, who in her little ways, made the burden of their lives, a little easier to bear. He hopes to reach out to his lost aunt through these memoirs, and be reunited again.

The movie is a beautiful rendition of how political games can override humanitarian values, and how the Partition has caused many unhealed wounds to this day.

What happens in the end? Watch to find out.

The last movie I watched was Wall-E

As is the case with every Pixar movie, the characters in this movie have emoted beautifully, almost seeming like they were anything but inanimate objects, which i believe, only accentuated the wonderful display of emotions.

Set in a few light years ahead of the new millennium, the movie showcases how, a simple robot, unknowingly, through his simple ways, goes about waking up human beings to the cause of saving their planet from complete extinction.

The storyline is beautifully carved around the protagonist, WALL-E. His simplicity and innocence, and his heart-rendering affection for female android EVA, is almost reminiscent of the character played by Tom Hanks in FORREST GUMP. However, when the movie ended, I couldn't help thinking that the love angle in the movie (of that between WALL-E and EVA) could have been avoided. If they were to be friends, a brother-sister duo, or just two plain strangers out to save the earth, it would have been just fine. But as lovers, I opine that a little focus was unnecessarily shifted away from WALL-E — who with his inability to speak coherently, could yet convey the message more comprehensively than words ever could.

Somehow, the love angle tainted an otherwise flawless movie. It's not that the love angle was not explored beautifully. It was not handled in a crass or comical manner. The simple devotion that WALL-E nurtured for EVA is indeed touching and cute, at times. But I feel that movie makers ought to do away with the tactic of having to drag a love angle into every movie they make. Two people don't need to fall in love to save a planet. Or make a splendid chef, as was the case with Ratatouille, another brilliant (and my favourite) Pixar movie. A mouse and a man become the best of friends. What a combination, and a winning one at that. For me, friendship always score above love.

But overall, a splendid movie. Nothing beats the graphics quality of a Pixar movie. A must watch, on the big screen. Four out of five, I would say. Watch it.

Translating corporate lingo

You must try to adjust to the situation.
Stop acting like a whiny bitch and get the work rolling.

We have to do something about this.

You’re fucked.

Can you tell me the status of the task?

Get it done already, you slow retard!

We should discuss this in a meeting.

Let’s waste some more time in solving your petty issues.

I need to have a word with you.

Where’s my gun?

I’ll have a look at that.

I don’t even want to have a fleeting glimpse of that.

Yeah sure.

No.

Do you have a minute?

I want all your waking and sleeping hours dedicated to me.

Is she coming to office?

Her ass better be on its way to the office now!

How may I be of help?

Can you do anything without anyone’s help?

We have to meet the deadline

You have to meet the deadline. I have to lounge around in the bar down the street.

Yeah sure, I understand.

Seriously, where’s my gun?

Is there a problem?
Have you screwed up again?

I was looking for you.
I wasted my time searching for your scrawny ass.

What?
What the fuck?!

Why Santa Claus is NOT a woman

God (if there is one) is a smart chap. He chose man to take up the responsibility of being Santa Claus (if there is one). Think why.

Shopping for gifts
A woman shopping for children? A woman shopping? Stop right there.

Children
Children can be real pests. Women too. No good pairing them up. Push the man in the front.

Driving the reindeer around
Women can’t drive. Period. You can’t kill a reindeer, giggle about how stupid you are, show your lovely teeth to the parole officer, and get away with it. This is not Earth.

Ho Ho Ho!!!!!!!!
What would the woman say to announce her arrival? Hee hee hee? The children will think that a witch has come and will run for their lives. And what would we call her? Santina Clausina? Lady in red? Sounds like the name of a porn movie.

Slinking down the chimney business
Imagine a woman doing that. She will not go down the chimney. She is bound to make all sorts of excuses such as how the soot will spoil her manicured legs and spotless clothes and blah blah blah. Who needs this grief? Down you go man.

And most importantly…..
Who is going to tell the children that the jolly old (?!) woman is not Santina Clausina (chokes) but is actually their MOM!! They have to know that at some point. You don’t won’t them writing letters to Santina Clausina at the age of 30, asking for a job.

Now imagine a DAD (read MAN) explaining that to his child. Yes. 99 times out of 100, he will be cursing his wife a.ka. Santina Clausina, for putting him in this situation. It somehow seems worse. And there is a huge chance that he will screw it up.

So man is better off being Santa Claus. The one thing he is good at anyway.