One-liner truths

In all fairness is an insult for the dark-skinned

This meeting room is good for my sleep cycles

Look! A good manager!!! Hahahahaa! Gotcha!

I don’t participate during a meeting? Who is doing all the yawning?

My feelings are no match to your lack of ability to feel anything

Suppose you die.

The boss is angry with me. Maybe it was the 24-page long report that he requested for. Last year.

See? I TOLD you he would sell your report to the ‘save-paper-for-chanawallas’ foundation

In Corporate Limbo

I: I sent you the mail you requested for.

They: What is it about?

I: You are kidding me right? Right?

They: Should I colour my toenail ghastly red or lovely pink?

I: (descends into gradual insanity)

They: Perhaps you could turn the light tube a bit toward my direction? That should help me decide

I: (should I bring a mini blow dryer to dry your nails) The mail?

They: Oh yes.

Brief silence. For 30 minutes

They: (looks up) Oh, I decided. Lovely Pink it is.

I: (removes gun) Do you want to shoot me?

They: Let my nails dry first

How to identify a manager

• Their designation. Very fancy title. Makes no sense. For eg: Strategy Manager. I am not sure what does a Strategy Manager do. I am not sure that even the Strategy Manager knows what he does.
  
  
• The facial expression. Looks constipated all the time.

• The manner of walk. Oh yes, check out the walk. Will assume a very straight posture, as though the Taliban is breathing down their neck. It’s the walk that’s supposed to instil fear in the hearts of those who cross their path. All it does is make me laugh.

• Steal a peek at their PC. Ninety-nine out of hundred times, they will be working on any of the following three: MS Excel sheet, Internal-software-that-puts-employees-in-trouble or a mail.

• They eat at their desk. Always. If possible they would sleep, shit and mate at their desk as well.

• They work on a holiday. Not because they have no life. Just so they can boast about it.

• They fanaticise a lot. Example: The deadlines they set. They somehow believe these crazy deadlines are achievable.

• Their brains know not what their mouth expresses. And vice versa.

• They are selectively deaf. They pretend to not hear you when you have a problem, but are all ears when someone is blaspheming you.

• They love to gossip.

• They are the bullies who never grew up in school and think that the office is one big school playground.

• Logic and managers were never meant to be.

• They prove their worth by conducting meetings after pointless meetings. And encourage team participation by not allowing anyone to talk.

• They are the original soap stars. They create drama around petty things like the non-availability of a drawing pin that will pierce a white board that is as fat as their pompous ass.

• Their spoken English is best left unspoken. And they speak it all the time. Even when they know that no one is listening.

• They have fake accents and use heavily jargonised language. They believe that aspects are proof of their intelligence. No one has proven them wrong, for no one listens anyway.

• They have the irritating habit of speaking to you as though you are dumb. Can’t blame them. It’s difficult to look interested when they talk.

• They are fat. The ones who are not fat in body mass are fat-headed.

Translating corporate lingo

You must try to adjust to the situation.
Stop acting like a whiny bitch and get the work rolling.

We have to do something about this.

You’re fucked.

Can you tell me the status of the task?

Get it done already, you slow retard!

We should discuss this in a meeting.

Let’s waste some more time in solving your petty issues.

I need to have a word with you.

Where’s my gun?

I’ll have a look at that.

I don’t even want to have a fleeting glimpse of that.

Yeah sure.

No.

Do you have a minute?

I want all your waking and sleeping hours dedicated to me.

Is she coming to office?

Her ass better be on its way to the office now!

How may I be of help?

Can you do anything without anyone’s help?

We have to meet the deadline

You have to meet the deadline. I have to lounge around in the bar down the street.

Yeah sure, I understand.

Seriously, where’s my gun?

Is there a problem?
Have you screwed up again?

I was looking for you.
I wasted my time searching for your scrawny ass.

What?
What the fuck?!

Where do you see yourself five years from now?

In an interview, if one was asked,

Where do you see yourself five years from now?

One would normally say:

“Stabilised in a senior position in my field of expertise”. Blah blah and so on and so forth.

What most would really want to say is:

* In the CEO’s seat
* I am sorry, but I am short-sighted
* Happily married with twin boys. And I also hope that I am the CEO of this company
* Selling porn for a living
* I want to be the President of India within five years
* I don’t know what I will be doing five HOURS from now
* Do you know what you will be doing five years from now?
* The same place where I was five years earlier. My house.
* God knows
* Dead, I hope?

Such a funny question.